It's a bloggy day...

Here we go again...

2011-09-25T19:35:00.002-05:00

Nothing like taking a year off, I guess. I'll spare the effort of trying to think of all the big things that have happened in the last year and a half.

Or will I?

Obviously, the biggest life event was tragic. On Oct. 9th, it will be the one year marker of the death of my only nephew. Nephew. It sounds so distant. He wasn't distant to me. He was very important to me, and his mother is one of the most important people in my life. I've known her all my life, so to watch someone you care for so deeply go through something so big is, well, it's hard. It's too big for the right word. I can't come up with the right word. I have decided against: terrible, unbelievable, sad, tragic, horrible, unfathomable. It's all of those, obviously, but really, it's none of them. It's beyond words. It's beyond Webster.

So in a way, that has been the marker of the passing of time for the last year. Usually it's a birthday, or an anniversary, or something joyfully monumental. But for my family, we have thought of all the months that have passed since the last day with DJ, all the moments he missed, all the milestones he lived without passing. And now, it's been just about a year. I have said that "I can't believe it's been a year since..." so many times in my life. Since graduation, since we moved, since I got married. It has been true each time. A year seems to pass as a mere moment in time, and we look back, and realize all we've done and felt and thought. We come to the sudden realization that we aren't the same as we were just a short year ago. Many times we have known someone who has passed away. It's so raw, but so common.

And yet, this time, as I say "I can't believe it's been a year since DJ died", it has such a different meaning, an all-together different typeset in my book of life. It seems longer. I remember the events of last October with such vivid clarity. I remember thinking of "next year". I recall the precise time I left the hospital to begin my long drive home. Without the aid of a calendar, I would promise that 12 months had not passed.

But it has.

And we're all different. I'm different. A dear family friend talked with me as I struggled to process the events the unfolded before me. As I watched, for days, the life drain out of this beautiful boy, I had so much turmoil and grief and sadness that I didn't know how to cope. I had no tools to deal with this mess. I walked into a gas station one morning, it was the first step into public I had taken in days, and I felt overwhelmed by the normalness happening beside me. People were stopping for their morning cup of coffee and their pack of smokes. The clerks were at work. They were working today. My daily routine had morphed into wandering between a Pediatric Intensive Care Unit, it's waiting room, and the cafeteria of the hospital. I had spoken to nurses, family, doctors, my children over the phone, and a few strangers. But I was overwhelmed by this gas station clerk who asked me how I was as I placed a granola bar and a ridiculously large cup of coffee on the counter. I didn't know. I wasn't good.

So I spoke with the family friend on the phone after the coffee buying experience. He gave me the insight to go to Church, which I did and it helped tremendously. He told me that God could do something great out of this, even though he doesn't create pain or tragedy or death. He told me I could learn from this baby, and I could be a better person. I could grow. He could change the world through the people he touched. It sounds cliche, I know, but it's really true. I don't want to be the person who took the little things too seriously. I don't want to be the person who misses the moment, who forgets who she loves for a few days, who ignores the important things in life to dwell on the petty. I want to be the person who strives to live my life with the goal of being ok with the way things worked out when it's all said and done. Because as I sat in a downtown hospital for a week, with no distractions, watching as death inched his way forward, I received a dose of perspective I'll never lose. Nothing really matters like we think it does. The extra five pounds, the clean kitchen floor, my latest failings as a mom. I'm going to spend my days trying to love my extra self, walking upon bread and cheerio crumbs, and forgiving myself for not being perfect.

I can't fathom the loss of a child. He wasn't mine. Part of the grief process for me was grieving without guilt for grieving. How could I be this sad, or how could I wear the cloak of mourning, when I know his mom and dad have it so much worse?

I felt terrible guilt because as I watched them suffer, I knew that I would never offer to take their place. People say that sometimes, and maybe they mean it, in certain circumstances. I would take my spouses pain, I would take the place of a young cancer victim. I don't know. You empathize and wish you could take it away for that person. But as much as I hurt and as much as I love my nephew's mom, I would never, could never, take her place. The love of a mother is more than anything else I know of, and nothing could make me give up a child. I love many people, but the sacrificial protecting life-giving love I have for my children is in a different category. I felt so guilty because I knew that I would never sacrifice my child so hers could live. The mere thought of doing so took the breath out of me. And in the same breathless moment, I understood with painful clarity that her love was just as strong as mine. And yet, here she was, watching her son die.

And although it took many, many months, I finally thought about this from the perspective of Christ. I had thought of it before, but recently, my heart was able to digest the meaning of DJ's death in the larger picture. I have spent my whole life hearing of God's sacrifice of his son. I would feel safe to bet that I have heard of it more times than of anything else in my life. But realizing how much a mother and father love their son, and knowing what is lost with the death of him, I had an overwhelming understanding of God's love for me. He loves me more than I love my children. I now know how much I love my kids, not because of the day to day life I have with them, but because I watched a mother lose a child, and I was able to stare through the window into her grief with just enough clarity to be terrified of walking through her shoes. My love pales in comparison to God's.

I think of DJ often. I think of meeting him when he was this itsy-bitsy dude. I recall dressing him and feeding him and telling him how happy I was to welcome him to this world of ours. I remember watching my own children meet him, and becoming mesmerized by him. I have the pictures of my daughter watching intensely as he was bathed in the kitchen sink. I have all those memories. I remember my last days with him. I remember his little body slowing down, his movements stopping, and his eyes ceasing to open. I remember clutching his chubby hand and bidding him farewell. I remember wondering what life was like with all the angels and saints, and wondering about all the wonders of the life to come. I remember the great spiritual events that happened in my life in the days following his death, and the certainty I had that these were raindrops of proof and hope from heaven, wherever heaven is.

So now, as I prepare to meet my own new baby, in less than a week, I pause and remember the baby that I said good-bye to. As many cliches as I have come to understand during the last year, none is more true than "lost, but not forgotten."

Hey cous-

2010-04-27T21:28:00.002-05:00

After much anticipation, the newest addition to the Holman clan joined us on March 3rd. The children met and were very cordial, and I think that baby DJ (short for David James, both family names) did not want to go back home. Just a hunch.

This is a favorite picture of mine already. The baby is so darn cute, and my baby looks really big.

Emma was on cloud nine from the moment of his arrival. She was a big help to Aunt 'K K', and was actually pretty good at it. (Right 'K K'?) She perched on the counter during bath time, and couldn't really be bothered to look at me for a good pose.

Now, don't get me wrong, little dude enjoyed having some company as well. He said, "It's a baby!" and then tried to poke him with a toy he was carrying around. Ok, he wasn't as good at helping, but he was interested. Ok, he was a little jealous, but he was good natured about it. He did pretty well at not sitting on the baby, and began to understand that the littlest addition won't be romping around him anytime soon. But in the next few years, these guys will be buddies for sure.

Emma was taking her job (one of her favorites) very seriously.

This is the blanket that I made for DJ. Thanks to some wonderful help to a wonderful far away friend, I think it turned out ok.

ABC

2010-04-20T13:56:00.003-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, we finally put up a For Sale sign on our yard rock. Doing so was good advice given to us by a man who has sold many things successfully. Thank you!

There were a couple of interested people, and a few skeptics too. One guy walked by and sarcastically asked if we delivered. Well, it was good fortune that a guy who owned or had access to this amazing thing-a-ma-jig wanted our rock, and came and picked it up three days after we put the sign on it. And, I will admit, it made me snicker a little because all those people who laughed at us walked by the next day and saw a clean yard with no dumb big rock in the middle. Not that the rock wasn't great, I am sure it looks fantastic in Mr. Tractor's yard. But, now we don't have to worry about our kids running into it and getting a concussion.

The guy drove the forklift thing from town somewhere. He just swung in our yard, scooped it up, strapped it down, and off he drove with it.

Having this guy drive up made me feel a little "country", but that isn't all bad. :) This would not have happened in our last location!

Good-bye yard rock. We made sure that you went to a good home, or at least another home. May the moss grow on you, and your surface be warm for many more years.

Last week we were out for the morning and found this little guy by the gutter. I will admit, with a bit of shame, that I did make some sort of little girl squawk when we saw it for the first time. But, redemption was mine as I borrowed my son's stick and picked it up for my kids to see.

Emma thought it was really neat, and Owen wanted to pick it up. We admired the way it stuck it's tongue out, how it slides to move, and how it was getting really mad at me for poking it and picking it up. It was really fun.

When I was younger, my mother found a snake in our basement. She thought it was a toy, but then it began to slither, so she yelled and ran across the basement of the old farmhouse. After waiting for a few minutes, she realized that rescued, she would not be. So, she put on her Miss. Resourceful hat and got to work.

Grabbing an ice cream bucket in one hand, and some sort of tool in the other, she got this thing contained and brought it upstairs. I was enthralled and insisted that we let it go outside. I was a bit of an animal guru at that time. (I had numerous pets through the years, including several rodent pets and an iguana.)

Some days later, with great sadness, the poor snake was found dead in the horse pen, with a telling hoof print across its body. Obviously the old Appolusa had not shared in our interest of the snake and taken care of business.

The next step, obviously, was to bag the dead thing and haul it away to church, where we were great friends with a dear man named Mr. Baker. (I once got to help Mr. Baker stuff a dead gopher that I took home in a paper towel tube, marked with an arrow so the fur-ball did not get taken out in the wrong direction, lest his coat get mashed up.)

Mr. Baker looked at the snake and was in great awe (really, he was) because the particular snake in front of us was a blue racer. They are very fast snakes, thus the name racer. He was impressed that my mother caught the thing, and determined that he must have been really cold and had not been able to move at full speed. I don't recall what happened to the snake after that, but it was the end of our family adventure. So, it would be a great disappointment to Mr. B to learn that I was so girly when I found our snake last week. Between you and me, the head of the thing is about the size of my pinky finger knuckle.

Sorry Mr. Baker.

2010-04-05T09:58:00.003-05:00

I almost gave up on blogging. Half the time I think there is nothing new to talk about, the other half I just can't bear the guilt of sitting down to write when my list is waiting. But, here I am.

The spring is off to a wonderful start. It is so much easier than last year. Emma is so independent, and really does her own thing really well. She also listens really well. Last week I left her in the front, at her request, while I ran inside. The window was open so we could still talk, and of course I kept an eye on her. I don't think I'll do that all the time, but it is nice to know that we are in a different stage. She can be trusted a little more, and can make more of her own decisions all the time.

Owen is a mover and a shaker. He loves it outside. He tries to open the door while we are inside, and carries his shoes around, saying "shoes, shoes". He likes to be on the go out there. He cries when it is time to come inside. He can run and walk so well, and has become a master of stairs, so it is easy with him too. We all go out, and just hang out. It is much easier than trying to keep him from crawling off the deck (we fixed it so it is completely impossible for a child to fall off of it now) and helping them both up and down. I can even work on a simple project while we are all outside. Whoa. That is different.

I am really getting into garden mode. I have some seeds started inside, and our really amazing neighbor is tilling the ground for me. He is really kind. So, I am going to get some peas in and get to work. It must be in the blood, because I really like it.

Yesterday I grabbed the kids and marched outside with the kite. The wind was really going, so it was a great night to fly it. Owen wasn't all that into it, but he was better than the first time. Emma enjoyed it a little more though. We got it really high, and she got to hold onto the string. She did a really good job. She used two hands and we both had this really great bonding experience that she'll remember for the rest of her life. It was so great.

Until she let go. In her defense, I don't think it was really her fault. She happened to be looking at the ground, and the wind came up and ripped it out of her hands. The same thing happened to me just a few minutes before. The difference was when Emma was holding it, it was as high as it had ever been, and the wind was really strong. So, of course, it flew away, into the neighbors tree. Not the tilling neighbor, the other one. So, I didn't want to leave this plastic kite in their tree all summer, it would look pretty crappy. I walked over and opened the back gate, and worked to get it out of the high maple. It came down. Wonderful! There was so much string though, and the wind so high, that I couldn't wind it up in time, so I had a mess of string, and the kite flew into the next tree. Emma was really excited, she wanted to come into their yard too. I was not as gooey as I was trying to explain that she couldn't come in, it wasn't our yard, and trying to get this dumb kite down. But, I did. It broke a little, but it is an easy fix, so we'll no doubt try again. It was a fun adventure for me, which is really important to me for some reason. It somehow resets my clock, as if I go from one adventure to the next. And, this one only cost less than three dollars.

My previous adventure dealt with a stack of wood being picked up and stacked from across the street, and the city thanking me for my efforts by throwing it onto their truck that was being used to haul all the dead wood out of various public access points . Never mind that me and my precious children had worked for a long time, well, half and hour, to drag it close to our mailbox so we could burn it in our fire pit. Thanks city. But, we won't go into that now.

So, spring has sprung, we're all happy and healthy, and life is still good.

Emma-isms

2010-02-25T13:26:00.003-06:00

Two for today-

1. Emma, and Owen, got to watch Barney today. This does not always fit into our schedule, so when it does, she thinks it is a real treat. She doesn't watch a lot of TV, so she gets pretty excited when she gets to watch her show. I don't know where she got confused, but sometime along the way, she got the words to the opening song mixed up.

Rather than, "Barney is a dinosaur from our imagination", Emma sings, "Barney is a dinosaur from our abomination." She is very sincere as she sings this, and it's darn cute.

2. Emma and I are settling her in for a nap. As usual, she wants to read a book, which we always do. But today I was hungry, and didn't really feel like it. Yeah right. Try to convince a three year-old to switch up the routine on a whim. I know, I know, I am laughing at my own foolishness too. So, she fought back. She didn't yell, she didn't scream or cry.

Matter of factly, she begins to point towards her fan and says, "Ok, I want the fan off, no music, and the door open." :) This girl. Of course, (need I explain?) we always have the fan on, turn on the music, and close the door.

She fought me with logic today. Whoa. I relented, because she made sense, and there is nothing wrong with reading a book for naptime, geesh mom!

Baby in bed

2010-02-23T19:36:00.004-06:00

I sat in Emma's room, patiently waiting for her to come in and read a book before she got into bed. She finally came in, carrying her carseat, and her "baby". She had been getting the baby ready for bed. She began to put the baby in its own bed, and it was then that I saw the baby that she was so tenderly caring for. I took her "lentil" baby away today, but she obviously isn't terribly distraught. She has imagination. My personal favorite detail is how her baby must be placed "upside down".

Three year-olds rule.
:)

My peanut is three.

2010-02-21T14:42:00.003-06:00

Emma had a birthday! It is actually on Tuesday, but we celebrated over the weekend.

I made a cake for her, which was pretty fun. It took a lot longer than I had expected it to, but all in all I think it went ok. We put up a little banner, and a little decoration over her door. She really knew her birthday was coming, and all week she was excited. It is so much fun to celebrate with children. Their joy is fun to watch and participate in. My own joy for my own birthday seems to be dwindling, but I suppose that is expected.

Emma had several of her little friends over, so we had a full house of little girls. Owen was the only boy, but I think he enjoyed himself despite the excess level of estrogen. The little girls all had fun too. Emma was very good, and welcomed her guests just as we had practiced all week. "Welcome to my house, let's go play!" At the end of the party, she did a very nice job of thanking them, and helping them pick out a balloon to take home with them.

I have a hard time believing that she is 3! It goes really fast. I know I know, we hear that all the time. But I think over the last three years of my own life, and it just seems really long ago that I didn't have a little Emma, but it also seems like just yesterday. So much changes in a little person in that time period. She is no longer a baby. I am going to look back on these years and just miss the tar out of them. I am going to gaze into the air and try to remember what she was like when she was just a three year old. She seems so old to me now, but obviously, she is just a little peanut. It is like savoring something that you know you can't save forever. You have to eat the cake, or it is going to rot. I know that these are amazing years, and I need to focus on enjoying them as much as I possibly can, rather than fret about missing them tomorrow. Stopping time isn't an option.

Emma says to me the other day, "Mom, you're big, you're not a peanut. I'm small, I'm the peanut!" So she is.

A few Emma facts:

She will only wear short sleeve shirts. No bribes, treats, begging, convincing or sternness will change this. She only wears short sleeves.

She dresses herself by herself everyday. I don't help her pick out her clothes or take off or put anything on. She gets everything right. This makes her very happy.

She likes to eat her breakfast out of the red bowl with the red spoon. Every morning, she breezes into the kitchen, fully dressed, and asks on her way to the table, "Mom, is the red bowl and the red spoon clean?"

She has two babies that she is in love with, that no one is really allowed to touch or mess with. One is a bag of lentils that gets replaced every so often, when I have to cook it, and the other is a little eye pillow. Both of her babies are much more special to her than the "real" babies she owns.

She loves real babies, like the human kind. She loves to hold them, look at them, and talk to them. Her own babies, like the lentils, are named after the babies that she knows. She takes very good care of them.

If you are related to Emma, she knows where you live. We have a little state book, and she knows, South Dakota, Washington, Nebraska, and Iowa. Our state is green. ;)

She still enjoys music a lot, and likes to sing.

She is a sweet little thing, and most of the time, we have very good days, and a lot of fun.

Emma saw G'ma and G'pa on her birthday. She got a little tea cart that she is in love with. This has been added to the "no touch" category of toys. Little Owen knows this, and proceeds with caution. But, he is a boy, and boys are daring, so he has taken it for a spin a time or two.

Emma opened some gifts at her party. She was happy, can you tell?

Mmm..blue frosting. Thankfully, none of this beautiful blue frosting made its way to our beautiful white chair or ivory furniture. All of the children did have blue tongues and lips though.

All the party goers enjoying cake.

The birthday song. She loved it. Too bad birthdays are only once a year. I think I enjoyed myself as much as she did.

b-day

2010-02-21T14:33:00.002-06:00

An actual cake, with actual candles and actual fire.

We were preparing to place the candles into cake.

"Where do we put the candles children?"

The unanimous decision, including Emma's say, was Cookie Monster's mouth.

Happy Birthday dear Emma.

Emma with her cake.

The cake.

My dear Emma-

2010-02-21T11:57:00.002-06:00

Emma has a wonderful ability to stick to her guns. I am hopeful that this means that in later life, it will translate into standing up for what is right, and for being a protector of her siblings. Always the optimist, I am.

Right now, what she sticks to, are her own ideas. This particular day, she would not yield to my request, and chose to sit in time-out rather than to listen to her mommy. She was very sweet about sitting in time-out after a bit. I checked on her periodically, and asked, "Are you ready to listen to Mommy yet, or do you want to sit in time-out?" She replied, "Time-out." After an hour and a half, she fell asleep, and this is how I found her.

"Dear Emma,
You are very stubborn. I hope that you had a good nap.
Love,
Mom"

Emma wanted to share her snow suit with her baby. So, naked Emma puts baby in snow suit. :)

Some Owen love

2010-02-21T10:20:00.002-06:00

My dear little boy loves to climb into things. We have a few baskets, and he delights in emptying them and climbing on in.

Laundry day is a favorite in our house. Owen loves the laundry baskets that are available for his pleasure, and Emma enjoys getting all of her clothes returned to her.

One of Owen's other favorite "toys" are bottles. He is consumed for many hours by the tops. He likes the screw-top kind, as well as the flip kind. So, in these pictures, he is very happy because he has an empty chocolate syrup bottle to play with.

I tell ya, this kid is wrapping himself around my heart more each day. I can't decide if he is my baby still or not, but it matters little, I think. He loves to look at books, and will try to say new words when he wants to make me happy. The other chunk of the day he points and whines, and at times grudgingly uses words.

I remember when I was pregnant with him, I worried, as I have heard other women do, that I could not possibly love him like I did my first baby. Of course, on the other side of it, we all know that is a silly worry. Somehow your heart opens and creates a little place for each new person you welcome into your life. They are so very different from each other, my two children, but they each have given me a mother's heart. I am almost surprised that I am so in love with them. I find myself gazing at them, in their good moments, and being so overwhelmed with thankfulness that I am able to spend so much time with them, and share the simple moments together that mean so much to each of us. In the moments that are not so gushy and gooey, I love them, but watch the clock until daddy comes home a little closer. :)

I hear ya-

2010-01-26T11:27:00.004-06:00

Small victories.

1. Emma has, dare I say it, mastered the art of being a big girl, and using the bathroom accordingly. Read-doing all of her "duties" in the appropriate place. After a (very long) morning of a battle of wills a few weeks ago, she adjusted her attitude, and it has been getting easier each day. For a week or so, I had to remind her that she could choose the bathroom, or choose to sit in time-out. She tested us one time, and then began to choose the bathroom. Now, I don't have to say that anymore. I do tell her to go, and she toddles off and listens.

I must rip on the new trend of parenting for a moment. Everything that I read while searching for answers told me to wait until she's ready, one day she will just decide, and you can't make her. Just be patient, they all said, and take it in stride. Heck, you'll miss these days sometime in the future. Well, my patience ran out.

I admit that there is some truth in the advice. A year ago, I agreed. But, the girl is about to be 3. When you google our "problem", there are pages and pages of people complaining that they are cleaning underwear, and their little person just doesn't want to stop using underwear instead of the bathroom. Well, of course not!

What my little Emma needed was some old-fashioned, tried and true, hard nosed parenting. She fought. After an hour and a half of her crying in the bathroom I wondered if I had made a big mistake here, and wondered if getting into a battle of wills was really a good idea. Oh, how those internet doctors would shun me. But, we stuck it out, and we won. My tidbit that I want to pass on to you, is don't start a battle and not finish it.

2. After a round of antibiotics, my dear son is sleeping through the night, finally. No more 3 a.m. wakings. A night of solid sleep is doing wonders for all of us.

Growth Spurts

1. Emma has begun to call me "mom" on a regular basis. It took me a couple of days to realize it, but one day, I suddenly stopped and it registered in my brain. I think it is a different kind of mothering. "Mommy" vs. "Mom".

Mommy roles include cuddling, soothing, offering security. Mom seems to be more of get Owen out of the way, fixing annoyances, cleaning up spills and washing favorite clothes. Not that the roles are not interchangeable, they are. It just seems like our relationship is growing into something bigger.

2. Owen is changing all the time. He has decided that maybe baby sign language isn't so bad, and is beginning to talk more. The frustrating part, for me, is knowing that he is capable of saying words, he just isn't very interested. He would rather grunt, cry, point and lunge after what he wants. He communicates very effectively, but I get really exhausted after hearing him be so loud all day long. He really likes to look at books, watch the washing machine start (hey, I like that too0, play with things he shouldn't (that is how the dryer light bulb broke) and walk around when we shop for groceries, rather than sit in the cart. He is a baby at some moments, and fiercly independent and a toddler the next. *sigh* I miss my baby, but am enjoying the ease that comes as he can do more things for himself.

Little joys

I am now the proud owner of a pair of brand spanking new Gingher G-8 8 Inch Knife Edge Dressmaker's Shears.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/B000UU6SR4/ref=dp_image_text_0?ie=UTF8&n=284507&s=kitchen
They are pretty amazing. They arrived in a very shiny metal case, with a "holster" for the blade. I was too excited not to try them out. I recruited my husband to help me trace onto fabric to cut, and then took them for a spin. I think that I instantly became a better seamstress. My old 8 dollar pair of Wal-Mart craft scissors were pretty pathetic, and when I used them, the edges of my fabric were embarrassingly jagged. No more. I decided that I like to sew enough to invest a little bit of green, so now I am ready for more projects.

Little lamentations

I realized how much we are paying a year for health insurance. For some reason, most likely denial, I never realized the yearly rate, just the monthly. When I realized the dollar amount, my body did an involuntary shudder and my intestines flipped over a few times. WHAT! THAT IS ABSURD!

The incident that steered me towards this unpleasant revelation began with Owen having an ear infection. The doctors usually, in the past, have urged me to make a follow-up appointment for 10 days after the initial appointment, to make sure the antibiotics have done their job. The kicker is that this requires another official office visit.

Read between the lines, $$$$.

I finally got bold enough to ask if we could just have his ears looked at, and of course, they basically laughed at me, and asked if I wanted to make an appointment. An office visit is at least $100. Checking a child's ears takes about 24 seconds. Now, understand, that I am not an economist, a nurse, a doctor, or an insurance agent. I am merely a mom. Little old me can't understand how anyone can be asked to give you 5 twenty dollar bills for less than 30 seconds of service. This, in my humble opinion, is a system that is really broken. The part that got me even more riled up is when we realized that not having insurance is just risky enough that we don't dare try it. But, what if we saved our monthly premiums in a savings account, and managed our own dumb health care. What if we paid for all medical costs out of pocket? We would save a ridiculous amount of cash, and have an account that should be sufficient for any medical costs in the future.

On the flip side, if God graces us with another child, or we have a serious but rare incident that requires any emergency service, we are in a lot of trouble. Being a home owner is scary in that sense, because if the deck becomes stacked against you, you lose your house. So, we pay thousands of dollars for assurance that a night in the hospital won't leave us homeless so we can then pay the equivalent of 360 dollars an hour to make sure that the last doctor visit, for which I spent 100 dollars, ten days ago, was effective.

Of course, I have little else to complain about. In the grand scheme, I have healthy kids and a wonderful life. That is why I titled this section "Little lamentations".

Big Hopes

Spring comes early.

Hey, big head...;)

2010-01-12T13:03:00.003-06:00

This is proof that the kid does smile! It is on his terms though, no smiling for the camera just because I ask him nicely. He is an outdoor kind of guy, really enjoying our trips outside.

This has got to be one of my favorite pictures. The kids are buddies. I have watched Emma treat her brother very nicely. Of course, there are the moments when she gets frustrated with him too, but we've all been pushed around by our siblings, and survived.

Today I took Owen to the doctor. Among the other findings, we learned that he is in the 5th percentile for weight, and 70th percentile for his head size. In height, he is in the middle.

hawing is ok, but please, no hemming.

2009-11-19T13:15:00.003-06:00

My life in recent weeks has been somewhat stressful, and definitely intense.

As hard as I try, I don't seem to have enough patience to last for the entire day. I have enough for a few trying catastrophes, but sometimes there are more catastrophes than there is patience, and those are the days when I find myself knee deep in moments that make me want to weep with disappointment for myself. For my lack of patience , my lack of understanding.

One such day was last Friday. This potty-training business is as hard as anything I have done before. Honestly. Literally. Seriously. What about labor you say? Well, with labor, there is a definitive moment when you're done. The baby comes out. That's it. Finish line crossed, battle won. With potty-training, there seems to be no end in sight. Everything was going fine. Then, suddenly, it wasn't.

Last week, it was a challenge each day. I seem to have run out of "tricks", because there was not a whole lot of motivation to get it right. My clean laundry pile was a true indication of how the week went. I washed some socks for my husband, a few shirts and one pair of paints for O man, and a running outfit and some socks for me. Then came Emma's pile. It was three time the size of ours. A ridiculous number of undergarments for my dear daughter. I sighed as I saw the evidence folded nicely on the counter. Yes, it was a hard week.

So on Friday that was it, it was the last straw. I really lost it. I hope that I did a contained version of losing it, but I'm not sure what the boundaries are to constituent "contained". Owen was holding onto my legs, crying to be picked up or paid attention to, and he would not stay out of the bathroom. Emma was screaming because she had had an accident. My ear happened to be very near to her mouth, and the stress barometer seems to rise quickly when the volume goes up. I was telling her repeatedly to "stop screaming", "it's ok", "we'll fix it".

It was a vicious cycle. We were all getting upset. I finally put Owen in his high-chair with a few crackers, I finished with Emma and told her to get dressed, and I went into the garage. I screamed a couple of times, and felt a lot better. The frustration is something I can't describe, but I'm telling you, it was so intense.

Then, the weekend came. It was nice. We spent it at one set of Grandparents, and they watched our kids while we went to a seminar to learn how to parent better. The timing was impecible. Lessons and advice on how to be a better mom, I was desperate for.

Home again, home again, jiggity jig. I spent a few days breaking Emma of her new and terrible habit of screaming at me when she got in trouble. Advice that I heard over the weekend helped tremendously.

But then yesterday came. My mind was racing with things I needed to get done, with ways I could parent better, with questions of what I was doing right, or not right. It was just a rough morning. For one reason or another, I just felt inadequate. Like I just don't have it together, and can't seem to do all of these things that I want to in a day. I want to read to them everyday, I want to read by myself, I want to pray, I want to play, I want to sip coffee, I want to blow raspberry's on tiny tummies and giggle, I want to clean, I want to relax. I want to write, I want to cook, I want to sew.

Sew. Do I really want to learn how to sew? After a few experiences, I can assure you that I don't. I want to know how to sew, but the learning hasn't been all that fun, to be honest with you. My high expectations for myself were dashed as I hung Emma's curtains up several weeks ago, only to find that they were crooked, and the top and bottom of each weren't exactly the correct size. But, I forged ahead. I bought fabric for Owen's room, and began to make his.

The pinning and ironing part is driving me crazy. Last week I spent 30 minutes trying to get it pinned right, and looked at the final product only to discover that it was crooked. Ahh!!

Yesterday, I tried again, and guesed that it was acceptable. After I hemmed one side, I inspected the hem closely and saw that I had missed the fabric on the backside. Good grief. I redid it. I had to rip it out once before because the thread had gotten all tangled up, and it was showing the bobbin thread, rather than the blue thread. Then it got stuck.

The second side went a little better, but the fabric ended up kind of bunched up, and I didn't have the heart to do it again. I carefully measured the bottom, and ironed it, and gleefully put in the last hem.

In that sequence of events, the iron fell onto the carpeted floor, and of course a bunch of stuff got glued onto it. I had to spend about 10 minutes getting the carpet gunk off of it. Thankfully, I didn't ruin our iron, which is the second one I have had in this marriage.

After I hung up the curtain in Owen's room, I stepped back to inspect my work, and really could have cried. It was crooked. It wasn't right. It was terrible. I tried, and yet again, I failed.

Emma got up shortly after. We played some songs, and we all danced around together. Then, we all marched to Owen's room so I could change his diaper.

Emma was chattering away, and as she turned the corner into the bedroom, she stopped dead in her tracks. She looked up with her little face at that curtain, and she looked back at her mama, and she poured out her little heart. "Owen" she said, "you have a new curtain! It's so pretty. It looks so great. Mommy made you a curtain!" Her sincerity was genuine. She loved it.

It was a clarifying moment for me. All of the frustration I had melted away, all of my doubt about my qualifications for this job fell aside. She was really happy for me, and she was proud of me. She doesn't care if my dumb curtains look ridiculous. Just like she doesn't care if I do all of the things the books tell me to do, they don't care if I am super organized, and they surely don't care if I am caught up on the unending housework. They are learning how to be people from me, and I am learning how to be a mom from them.

I was reminded that my children need to see me venture out, to try new things. They need to watch their mom learn new things, and they need to see me fail. They need to watch me fail with confidence. They need to know that it's ok not to be perfect. I need to teach them that being imperfect is ok, that trying again is more vital to character than trying the first time. Part of being a good mom is being me, and I am more than wiping bottoms and sweeping cheerios and washing a ridiclous number of underwear in a week. A good mom is accepting of the learning process, and she shows her children that learning is hard, and not doing it as well as you had hoped to is hard, but you don't throw a tantrum about it, and you don't have a pity party. (me, I don't throw a tantrum about it!)

All of this stemmed from my little Emma's words.

The icing on the cake came later, as I was telling my husband this story in the kitchen after he came home for the day. In the midst of my recounting the events, little Emma sprang up from her seated position, and tried earnestly to tell her daddy...something. All we heard were bits of words and sentences. "Daddy....Owen...pretty..." On her way past him, with her little legs pumping as fast as possible, she threw out the only word she could get a handle on.

"RUN"!

She screamed it in excitement on her way to her brother's room, in great anticipation of showing her daddy what her mommy had made. Her joy seeped out of her, and we could not help the grins that showed themselves on our faces.

That, my friends, is the joy of mothering. And it makes all the crap I put up with worth it.

2009-11-08T19:58:00.002-06:00

Often times we sit and remember the past year, and soak up how much easier it is now.

Past-While attempting to watch a movie or show, I would have to get up several times to comfort the baby. Many times, I would just take him back to the living room, because it was easier. Quality time was definitely a scarce commodity, and let's not revisit the worn out subject of very, very sleepless nights.

Present-Bedtime is often times one of the easiest parts of the day. After finishing some milk and cuddling for two or three minutes, Owen decides that it is now time to go to bed, and he lunges and twists for the mattress. A kiss and a pat, I leave, and don't hear from him for hours. Sometimes it is not as many hours as I would like, but we always have an evening to ourselves. Emma typically reads a few books, and kisses the last page goodnight before literally scampering down the hall to her room. She climbs in, and although she may not be asleep quickly, she is as happy as you could believe. She sings several songs, and talks with her butterfly and baby, and drifts off in her own good time.

Past-Emma in all of her sweetness was just a baby herself. She needed so much hands on help. She was beginning to master her spoon usage, but needed help. She was probably feeling like she got nudged out of the nest too early, and wanted to be the baby for a little while longer. I remember the stress of trying to keep her close to me while we were out. For the most part she did very well, but there were a few horrific instances that involved me leaving a screaming (honestly, if you have heard him, you know) baby in a car seat while chasing a very quick 18 month old, who giggled the entire time.

Present- Emma is a true little girl. She still needs help, of course, but is mastering many new tasks. Not only potty trained now, she can put her underwear and pants on by herself, and has manages with her shirt a few times as well. She feeds herself very well, and is learning to be patient. She plays by herself more, and is furthering the concept of pretend more all the time. This afternoon she "washed my hair" before "putting in a ponytail", and she made me some "juice coffee" a few days ago. She is beginning to truly earn my trust. Last week, we went to a favorite eating establishment that houses a fantastic toddler play area, and as we unloaded under the big arches, I plopped her down on the sidewalk in front of the van, and told to wait there. She didn't budge. In all her excitement, as she looked for her promised friends to arrive, she stood on that little square of cement and giggled and talked and pointed and waved, but, most importantly, she waited and she didn't move.

Past- Our old basement was a disaster, as we ever so tediously decided what to unpack. Unsure of our future housing arrangements, we didn't dare to unpack everything. We had bare, white walls and a cold, cold winter. We were short on square feet and overflowing with baby paraphernalia and toddler gear.

Present- I have let out a sigh and settled in. After three moves in less than two years, we gleefully threw away our boxes. Our walls now surround us with color, and we have put nails in the walls and curtains on the windows. The baby paraphernalia and unending trail of toys, books, pretend kitchen items and various real kitchen items that I have surrendered to the children still threaten to take over at times, but are much more easily managed thanks to a basement and some storage furniture upstairs.

I find that the days go slow but pass quickly, and I must force myself to be in the moment sometimes. Emma says darling things all day long, and Owen is learning at the speed of light. She'll say "How was your afternoon?" to her daddy, and Owen can go get items and bring them to you, and he communicates very effectively.

It has been a wonderful year, though much has changed. I feel really lucky, and am as content as ever.

xyz

2009-11-03T13:30:00.002-06:00

Raking leaves.

Old man pj's

I thought that she resembled a cockier spaniel, with the hair.

Rock on man.

Success! This is post 5k run. My partner was a trooper to run with me, because she was definitely faster. It was fun, and I am sure that I'll try again next year.

Giggle me Elmo

2009-10-21T15:09:00.003-05:00

The joys of a content and simple life are abundant for me here. There is little that I would rather do than have moments like these. A good belly laugh from your kids is pretty unbeatable.

Emma waking from nap is cause for celebration

2009-10-02T19:46:00.003-05:00

It all seems worth it at times like these. My only question, will she like this as much when she is 16? Regardless of what the future holds, I am quickly and systematically becoming a third wheel around here.

And now...the rest of the story.

2009-07-20T22:19:00.002-05:00

Miss Emma feeding "Baby".

O-dawg at 9 months. He now has 4 teeth, and is beginning to balance without holding onto things. I see his bright smile more than not. He is a happy little guy, and has amazing tolerance with his sister.

The cat made friends quickly. She is trying to resist the charm of the children, but who can resist them?

Emma got used to her new home quickly. I believe this was a day or two after we moved.

And for all of you who can relate, and for those who tolerate crazy moms, a crazy baby shot. He loves avocados!

Don't make me gag

2009-06-19T09:20:00.005-05:00

A few days ago I was in the bathroom. And, as many of you can relate to, my children inevitably end up there with me more times than not. On this particular day, Owen discovered the toilet paper stand, which is a free standing type. It was great fun for him, and as hard as I tried I could not convince him otherwise. He pulled it down and I grabbed it before it bopped him on the head. Then, as I was occupied (for like 7 seconds, I swear) he pulled himself up and figured out how to unroll the toilet paper, which was much more fun. Emma thought she needed a turn too, so it wasn't long before there was toilet paper everywhere and a baby who did not want to sit down.

After I had the toilet paper rolled back up, I noticed Owen chewing. Oh boy. The standard finger sweep in his mouth did not produce anything. Clearly, he had ingested some of that wonderful t.p. The boy does not have a stomach capable of handling all of his impromptu snacks, so it was a matter of seconds before he began to gag.

The amazing thing was my reaction. As he began to make to sounds associated with eating things that should not be eaten, I calmly held him and instructed Emma to take a step backwards. I held onto my son and made sure that he was positioned on the rug, and as the toilet paper came up, I had the presence of mind to wait for round two, which came a moment later. I then plopped him on the floor, wiped him up and gathered the rug up to throw into the washer. My blood pressure did not rise, I didn't yell at Emma, I didn't freak out in the slightest. I was calm. Calm! No panicking. I marveled at this uncharacteristic approach of mine (I am the one who once ripped my husband's head off because Emma "is bleeding!" and he was calm while I was not) and was pleased with the conclusion that I came up with for this phenomenon.

I am officially the mom of...a boy.

pig's

2009-06-09T10:20:00.002-05:00

A few weeks ago I put Em's hair in pig tails for the first time. She seems more like a little girl all the time. She is watching her first movie for the first time right now. It is a veggy tale movie from a good friend.

Over the weekend we took family pictures with my family. Successful? I don't know. Owen slept really poorly the night before, and didn't take a nap that morning. His eyes looked red and puffy, and he looked so tired. But they'll do. It was all in all a pretty good time.

Our life has settled down into a routine again. It feels good to be back to the day to day stuff.

Hello

2009-06-02T09:21:00.004-05:00

Little Owen loves his mama. Here he was flirting with his Aunt Kari. He would hide under the blanket and pop back out. It was very fun. He does smile, but it is very hard to capture.

Emma with her pig tails.

We were outside enjoying the weather in the front yard. This guy loves to sit in the grass. Admittedly, he loves to taste the grass sometimes too.

It was pretty sunny out. It's definitely not a great shot, but we tried.

And now for some tidbits:

~I gave Emma a haircut yesterday. I may have gone a little short, but I think it turned out ok. It was certainly fun!

~Owen is officially a crawler. He has been mobile for several weeks, and has been army crawling for about two months. But I recently tried to show him how to stay up on his knees. He just didn't have the patience for it, but he has decided that it may be worth the extra time. He has only gotten and faster better at it in the last week.

~I have my garden tilled and almost all planted. It is a lot more work than I remember! Then I realized that I never helped much with planting. When I started the tiller for the first time last week, I immediately thought of my grandpa. The sound brought back a vivid picture of him. I remember him walking behind his red tiller for so many summers. I regret not learning more from him, not spending more time with him, and not helping him more. I walked behind the tiller as he had done so many times in his life, and thought that if he could see me now he would get quite a kick out of it. He may also chuckle at me crooked rows that I planted, and my cucumber hills. He was an amazing gardener, and an amazing man, and we all miss him so much.

~Owen is a tough dude. He doesn't get bothered by falling or bumping his head. He is a mellow little guy. I think he's pretty smart. He can pull himself up, but he is also getting really good at sitting back down. Hmm...look at him!

home sweet home

2009-05-22T20:41:00.002-05:00

Well, it has been awhile. I get further behind with updating this blog, and then wonder what to put on it. Here are a few tidbits of the last few weeks.

We got our new house. Moving went really well, and we had awesome help to get the job done. Emma was a champ. When we moved in August it really seemed to take her a few weeks to get used to the new house. This time, however, she was really excited from the get go. I picked her up from her friend's house and brought her to the new house. She ran into her purple room, where all of her things had been moved to, and then proceeded to run into Owen's blue room, our red room, and ran around the kitchen. She has not missed a beat. Owen has adjusted well also. We are extremely happy, and are getting more and more things unpacked and put away. One of my favorite perks of our new abode is the fenced backyard. Emma can open the door to the backyard and go out by herself. She has been delighted to go pick dandilions and drive her mower on the deck. It's great.

We also got a cat. Emma and Owen both love her, and she kind of loves them back. She is a very patient and loving 5 month old gray kitty we adopted from the pound. I think her name is Ally, but she has a few different names right now. The others are "meow" and "kitty". So we'll see who she really becomes.

More pictures to come!

crazy

2009-05-02T20:04:00.000-05:00

Great bed head.

Because it just tastes good

2009-04-28T13:18:00.002-05:00

A few days ago I looked up good activities for two-year-olds. I got such great ideas and suggestions. Several people said that they like to color with crayons that don't have the paper on them.

Today, I told the Em that I was going to put the baby down for a nap, and that she should color for a few minutes. I unwrapped the red crayon and told her to use it, and wasn't it cool that it didn't have a wrapper anymore? Off I went.

While calming the baby, I thought to myself, "She is being so good. I think that I'll give her a treat for staying out of his room while I try to get him drowsy. She is such a good listener today!" I put Owen down, and went to find her.

It was very quiet in the house. I had to really look for her. And I found her standing by the fridge, really close to the fridge. Hugging the fridge, trying to hide by the fridge.

Then I see two pieces of the crayon in her left hand, and her right hand is in her mouth, with two more pieces of crayon. Red crayon mess. Why, why do toddlers eat strange things? I didn't know if I should give her a treat, because she did stay out of his room for several minutes, but it was because she was eating something inedible.

Last week we went to the park, and two days in a row she ate sand. I have read that the mouth is a way that they explore and learn, which is understandable. But why would you repeat it? Sand in your mouth has got to be disgusting!

Three days ago I was in the bathroom, and Owen started to cry. Then Emma began to comfort him. I marveled at how attentive she was being. I imagined me walking into the room and finding Emma trying her hardest to make it ok for him, and then I would swoop down and grab him and we all celebrate.

I think I still had an adoring smile on my face from this fairytale as I walked into the living room. There I find Owen on his stomach, yelling from anger as much as anything, with Emma sitting on him. She was perched on his bottom and patting his back.

Sigh.

She explained it well though. With a burst of excitement (and a smidgen of hesitation) she exclaimed, "I'm riding Owen!". She thought it was darn fun. Thus, the lesson of "You can't ride Owen" followed.

It's tough being two. It is a world of rules that you don't understand and logic you can't follow. Why is it ok to ride daddy and not Owen? What is ok to eat, and what isn't? And the list goes on...

I'm here, just busy

2009-04-23T19:27:00.003-05:00

Trying to get two small children to do anything that resembles posing fora picture is a challenge, to say the least. On this particular day, the children were accidentally dressed in matching outfits. Now, what mother doesn't think that's cute? So of course I tried to get them to "be cute". No dice. Emma was too interested in her corn to sit still, and Owen wasn't particularly happy with the entire affair. But, life is real, so this is what it really looks like.

The winter was long this year, maybe it will be every year! We did thumb our noses at Mother Nature on occasion, and ventured out long enough to realize that it really was a bit cold to be outside.

The O-dawg loves his feet. He loves having them bare so he can examine them and taste them. I don't think that my body could ever do this. Well, maybe at one time, but it rebelled at least a good quarter of a century ago, and now I would be embarrassed to say how close (or far) I can come to my toes.

Come on, you don't stretch either.

Emma's gracious grandmother (I should say one of them) shared her keyboard with her for her birthday. We think that little Emma is musical, so Nana got a chance to share her love of music. It was a joy to watch, I took a ton of pictures. Emma graduated from banging on as many keys as possible to pressing them one or two or several at a time quickly. Of course, I think that music is in her blood, but of course I am biased. A few days ago she turned the keyboard on, began to play and sang "Jesus Loves Me".

You can call me anytime during the day Oprah, we would love to come on the show.

Cute post-bath baby.

black and white kick

2009-04-14T13:23:00.002-05:00

I love Picasa.

My little guy is pretty serious, but he does smile and laugh too. His favorite person might be Emma. As a mom, I don't know how I like being the second fiddle! He is scooting around like crazy, and really knows how to move around. He squeals with delight and screams when he is mad. And mad he gets! He loves carrots, squash, and tolerates green beans. Peas are a different story. You would think that he ate dirt after each bite. I love peas, so I am not sure what the problem is. I think he is just like his dad, in many ways. (who also isn't crazy about peas) I am amazed at how much individuality there is even at this young age.
Emma has a stuffed butterfly that she plays with for long stretches each day. One favorite thing that she does is she drops the butterfly, picks it up, and says "Butterfly, did you fall down? It's ok butterfly". She loves to take care of it. She is a daddy's girl for sure. When he comes home she runs to meet him and loves to spend time with him. Emma loves toast and most foods, and likes raw carrots after she saw how much her brother likes them. She loves to be outside and loves going for walks. She is a joy and we are enjoying her very much.
I have 200 pictures on the camera to put on the computer. I have 180 to order. I am behind.
We are going to start packing soon. It feels daunting, but we are really excited to get to our new home. We are going to have to just do a few boxes a day for the next several weeks. I thought it was going to be really scary to have a house of our own, but so far it has been a relief. It will be nice to be accountable to ourselves and be able to make decisions and paint and update when we want to. It is also a great feeling to be paying towards something.
Ahh...I feel like a grown up.
Already??

The March Blizzard

2009-03-31T19:47:00.000-05:00

Snow day

2009-03-31T19:41:00.001-05:00

For all my Kansas friends. Look at what you are missing! I expect no more complaining of "bad weather". :)

a few more

2009-03-26T20:02:00.003-05:00

The day Emma got her new "baby", named "corn". She has had a few replacements since this initial meeting (as "corn" tends to get eaten), and has loved them all equally.

If only we could paste this kid on a box. Wouldn't you buy this kitchen?

She is a very happy little girl.

And I am a happy mama. This is my "major award". I registered on an on-line website, and lo and behold, I WON! Woo hoo! The next time I go to the beach to soak up the sun and peer at cameras over my sunglasses, I will definitely take this awesome beach towel with me.

My major award. Lots of cereal and a kicking towel.

Mmm...I love Special K. It is great. I start my day with Special K, and I feel great. And, studies have shown that women who eat two meals of Special K (and a healthy dinner) lose weight. ;)

just a couple...yeah i know, it's been a month.

2009-03-26T19:48:00.002-05:00

Emma got a kitchen for her birthday from her adoring parents. She immediately made us oatmeal to show her gratitude.

Owen loves loves loves his johhny jump-up. This kid jumps for great stretches of time. He is very strong. Maybe they should market adult johnny jump-ups. Hmm...I see dollar signs.

Those big eyes saying, "thank you so much for this kitchen, i just love it. i will never want anything else, i promise. i am the happiest kid on the block now, instead of runner-up. thanks mom, thanks dad, you guys rock."

Or something like that.

Where's the Q?

2009-03-02T21:36:00.004-06:00

Over the weekend, we made a family trip to the grocery store. It was successful. When we arrived home, I let Emma unload several sacks. She had a very good time taking cereal, pasta, and other products in sturdy packaging out of the sack and setting in on the floor.

After we finished putting everything away, I noticed that she was walking around 'shushing' something. Whatever it was, she was having a very good time mothering it. Of course, I carefully spied on her (as any good mother would do). She had taken the bag of popcorn out, and decided that it made a darn good baby. While we were sitting in the living room, she even took a doll out of her stroller to make room for the popcorn! She named it 'corn', and has been spotted mingling with it on multiple occasions since.

Little Owen slept like a baby last night. Of course, the moment I even think about him becoming a better sleeper he proves me wrong. Nevertheless, it was a much needed night of sleep for the entire family.

This evening I got the hiccups, and Owen thought it was hilarious. He laughed. It was such a fantastic moment. It seems like we have spent so much time comforting him and trying to help him feel better that we have missed out on him just being a baby. It was so much fun to lay with him and just giggle.

After he had gone to sleep, I spent some time with Emma. We laid on the couch and read books. She thought that trying to point to the pictures with her feet instead of her hands was hilarious. It was fun to be silly and try to make her stop. I don't do a very convincing mean mom sometimes. I was in the middle of a book, and she abruptly climbed on top of me. After she had plopped a foot on either side of me, she began to point to all the letters on my shirt and name them. I was very impressed (as any good mother would be). After she finished with my shirt, she began to sing the alphabet song. She got to "q", and said, "where's the q?". She then began to look around the room, as if it would be sitting in a chair or something. It is really fun to share these moments of childhood.

Did I mention that I have given up coffee? If you know me, you understand that this is indeed a great tragedy. Ok, I'm being melodramatic. What is a word for something that is almost a great tragedy, that's what this is. I know, I know, it's terrible. But we think that Owen is doing better because I have not had it. Although I had hoped it would not come to this, here we are. But, I think I'll stay off of it for awhile, and then sneak it in once in awhile and see how he does. (Isn't that what a good mother would do?)

crusty hair and the unmentionable mess

2009-02-17T14:15:00.003-06:00

8:00 a.m.

"Hello Owen. Long time no see. You must be hungry. Of course. Let's go into my room and you can eat there, while I pretend that it isn't time to get up."

8:10

"Good morning Emma. What crazy hair you have this morning! Wait, that isn't mere bedhead. What, what is it? It's...it's kind of crusty. Why do you have crusty hair Emma?"

11:00 p.m. previous night
Emma wakes and coughs and coughs and coughs. I sigh, and force myself up (from the moment of almost going to sleep) and shuffle to the kitchen. Once there, I get a spoonful of honey and go to Emma. "Here Em, take this. Whoops, I think I am dripping. Good thing it wasn't much. Have a drink of water. Good night"

8:11 a.m.

Oh yes...that is why you have crusty hair. Nothing like a spontaneous bath.

8:15

Feed Emma, make coffee, brush teeth, change Owen.

8:30

Emma is done with breakfast. I wipe her hands, I get her down. I sit down to feed Owen, to make sure he really is full and can go longer than 23 minutes without thinking he is hungry.

"Oh, Owen. Your leg is kind of wet. That darn spit-up! Don't worry son, you won't spit up forever. Wait, wait, that isn't spit-up. Oh my. It isn't...it is". *sigh* Nothing like a spontaneous bath.

8:31

Triage. Crusty hair vs. the unmentionable mess. Obvious choice.

8:35

Strap birthday-suited son to changing table, prepare bath for him, pour coffee. Get son. Bathe son. Dry son. Dress son. Put son in rocker, in bathroom, with toys. Top off coffee. Smile. Get daughter.

"Emma's turn!"

Turn bathwater on. Take pj's off of Emma. Begin to take off diaper. Oh no, it isn't...it is. Change Emma in her room. Bathe daughter. Scrub daughter's hair. Dry daughter. Dress daughter. Finish coffee. Smile.

8:45

Gather up dirty laundry. Look down, realize that I am still in pj's. Rectify.

9:00 -10:30

Who knows

10:31

Put Owen down for nap. Hold breath.

10:33

Emma says "hungry". I think, sure, I could have breakfast.

10:35

We both eat cheerios.

11:00

I turn the t.v. on in time for the theme song to the big purple dinosaur. I make a little snuggle pile on the floor, and Emma and I curl up under a blanket. I get 10 minutes of eyelid rest time before she starts patting my face and leaning in to talk to me. I smile.

12:15

My husband pulls in the driveway. Emma runs to greet him with her arms open wide while gleefully exclaiming "Daddy's home, Daddy's home". He finds me in a chair, with Baby Owen in my arms. I can not muster enough of whatever it takes to properly greet him, orto properly inquire about his morning, or to give a proper explanation of why I am unable to musterit . He smiles knowingly. We both silentlyreflect on the previous night, for just a moment.

It was one more (feeble) attempt to coax a fussy baby to sleep. I had put him to bed at 6:30, and got up with him at 10, and a couple of times after. Each time, I was less understanding and more desperate for sleep. At the 3:30a.m. wake-up cry, I asked husband if he wanted to spend some quality time with son. He of course does, and rolls out of bed to conquer the land of screaming baby.

So we are both tired. We are both frustrated. We are both salivating at the thought of sleeping for longer than three or four hours at a time. I wonder how long this can go on before I really develop a mental disorder.

So my husband gives me a loving smile, and says, "long morning?".

I smile back. It was a long morning.

But I remember-

"the days are long, but the years are short"

and I get up to go make hot dogs.

a day in the life of the weins

2009-02-12T10:13:00.002-06:00

this is owen's first go in the jump up. he really liked it. i remember the first time we put em in, she hated it. but he just hung out. emma thought it was really fun, she got down and played with him. now, i realize that this is the doorway of the pantry, but we don't have any trim in the other doorway. he loves looking at the dustpan, i promise.

emma loves to read, and her baby is learning to love it too. she is sharing one of her favorite books.

this baby was so tired. he just zonked out.

emma is gazing adoringly at her uncle abe. once again, we did not set this up in the slightest.

this is the house that we built for her, we have since added on. she really likes it. she was having a party on this occasion.

ane now, i am off to do an assortment of odd jobs. first of all, emma has put someone in time out in her room, so we need to go check up on her, and open the bedroom door. then i need to go convince owen that yes, this really is nap time. then i need to go put some laundry in the washer, and sweep the dirt off of the basement floor in preparation for some weekend guests.

and then the big purple dinosaur may make an appearance.

some pictures

2009-02-06T14:57:00.001-06:00

Owen's five month picture.

owen's four month picture

they grow so fast

this is on the way home from our anniversary weekend. it was basically a blizzard.

today

2009-01-21T20:46:00.004-06:00

My last few weeks -ok, maybe months- has been a journey of intense emotion. There are obviously many moments of great joy, and pride, and contentedness. These little peanuts create a place in the world for me, and it's a place that I dearly love.

However, there are also times when I am on the doorstep of having a complete breakdown. A few close members of my "holy crap, what am I going to do" club will attest that I have also knocked on the door a few times. Luckily, Complete Breakdown wasn't in at the time, so I got up, brushed myself off and went about my day.

Mostly, this comes from the little guy, he just doesn't sleep very well. A rational me would be, well, rational about the whole thing. But, the sleep-deprived, hungry for dairy, behind-on-life me tends to get really worked up about it. The nights are hard. But then the days that follow can be worse. I just don't have enough to give, enough energy, patience, or attention, and it shows. Emma whines, Owen cries, and I watch the clock.

I believe that it will get better. But, please ,tell me about a time in your life when someone said that to you, and it actually made you feel better right now. Not that it isn't nice to hear, a little perspective goes a long way. It's just hard to push aside all these thoughts and driving emotions. I feel really guilty on the days when I am not totally in love with this crying baby. He is my little guy, and I do love him. But there are days when I just have had it up to here. I feel like I am doing a job that is not up to par, I am not passing the test. Something is wrong, and I'm not fixing it. I feel sad that I don't have the energy to actively pursue relationships like I should, for me, but more so for Emma. She is getting to the age that she loves to socialize. I choose to stay home, therefor, it's part of my job to make sure she gets that. So yes, it will be easier someday, but today is hard.

Of course, God has blessed me with many wonderful people who provide me with a shoulder to complain on, a source of endless love, forgiveness, and patience, and even some comical relief.

Today, I reached out for some good advice and needed perspective, and got both. I was also tickled pink to hear my straight-laced, clean mouthed perspective giver read something to me that included a word that I thought I would die before I ever heard come out of her mouth.She read exactly what I needed to hear at the moment, and I was so thrilled that the naughty word was not turned into an abbreviation or a letter, it was the whole she-bang.

So, as I wind down at the end of a long day, I am once again reminded of all I have to be thankful for. A house that is warm, and heat that we can pay for. An incredible relationship with a man who is more patient that anyone should have to be. Beautiful children who make me smile, who forgive me when I'm not perfect mommy, and who are healthy and strong. And for these people who I can call in distress, who will cuss properly.

time flies

2009-01-13T14:36:00.001-06:00

clip clop...

2009-01-05T19:49:00.003-06:00

This is a present from E's fantastic Aunt and Uncle, who live in a far away land. An explanation is probably in order for the part about "Abe". She took a liking to her Uncle Abe over the few days that we spent with the family. Not that she didn't like him before, but she really likes him now. When we were together, she asked, "Where did Abe go?" quite a few times. She was very interested in where he was, at all times. Since returning home, she has asked about him several more times. Then a letter came in the mail, and it included a picture of her Uncle. She now picks him up, tells him that it's ok (as I do with Owen), rocks and shushes him (also mimicking me), and generally takes care of him and puts him places. Today, for instance, she laid him under Owen's floor mat and positioned the mirror so he could see himself. She is a very doting niece indeed.

The horse she wasn't sure about, but as you can see, she likes it now. Thanks again, faraway Aunt and Uncle!

happy anniversary to me.

2008-12-18T11:18:00.004-06:00

Our anniversary was on Tuesday. My husband surprised me with a fun weekend away. On Saturday his parents arrived at our house to stay with the Emma, and we headed to the city. We dropped off the baby with his cousin and had a few hours completely alone. It was, fantastic! After a very nice dinner we retrieved our bundle of joy (or crabbiness) and checked into a hotel. We had a wonderful time lounging and getting our HGTV fix.

It was such an awesome surprise. He never fails to amaze me. I am very lucky to have him, he's a catch!

I have been remembering some of the lessons I have had. A handful of examples...

~ people have different definitions of numerous things. simple things, such as when the toilet paper is really gone, is subjective. act accordingly.

~ when something is wrong, and he asks, "what's wrong", he really does know that something is wrong. so insisting that nothing is wrong is an insult to his intelligence. just answer truthfully, for pete's sake.

~ luke skywalker's history. maybe his dad isn't such a bad guy after all.

~ we are each other's biggest fan. if that ever changes, we'll need to change it back.

~ i don't need to be martha stewart to be a good wife. i need to let him have his own expectations of me.

~ the things that you read about men in magazines or on MSN are rarely true. if you have a question, just ask him. if you assume the things you read are true and follow the "rules" they give, he may eventually think you are really weird and will want you to return to normal.

~ there is nothing better than married life.

~ how to give a haircut.

~ how to ask for forgiveness, although i don't do this nearly enough.

~ men aren't women. they will never be women. don't treat them like women. we don't want them to be women. if you want to talk to a woman, call a woman.

~ how to move.

and finally,

~ no matter what happens in my life, my husband is a soft place for me to fall. a place where there is no judgement, no harsh words and no "i told you so's".

2008-12-12T12:39:00.003-06:00

Earlier this week, I was thinking about the last year. I remember some particular things that really bothered me a year ago, on a very consistent basis. I have been so frustrated that I would pray and pray and pray, and didn't ever feel the earth shattering answer I wanted so badly. Nothing seemed to change.

But it did.

I have got to learn, apparently more than one time, that the things I want are within myself. The answer to better relationships, and the sadness that I carry, is my learning to act with grace. I have to learn to let other people be less than who I want them to be. I have to. I may want more or different or better, but that really isn't very relevant.

So in the past year, I can see how my attitude has began to change and my heart has began to soften. I can learn to disagree gracefully, to forgive regularly, and let it be how it is. Just enjoy it for what it is.

I really thought I had come a long way. The very next day I had a conversation that showed me maybe I haven't come that far after all. But I am trying, I really am.

I saw a quote a few weeks ago. The exact phrase escapes me, but the point of it is that every person is going through something big in their life. So even though you don't know what it is, you still can be gracious towards them. There are some relationships in my life that I wish I could fix. I wish I could change things that I just can't change. Even though I get really angry sometimes, I think that I am beginning to see things in a different perspective.

I have also realized that a lack of sleep really does strange things to my brain. Things make sense inside, but don't always come out in a way that makes as much sense. So excuse my rambling.

today

2008-12-09T10:25:00.002-06:00

it is very cold out, and snowy too. i don't think we'll be going anywhere. emma got a new hat last week, with some matching mittens. she actually wears the hat, which is definitely progress. i think she realizes that it keeps her warm.

yesterday she discovered the goodness of cinnamon and sugar toast. it was a hit, she had two full pieces, for a snack.

i am going to do a lot of laundry today. it feels good to clean up while your house is somewhat toasty, and it's freezing out.

our anniversary is next week already. somehow it snuck up on us. someday i think it would be fun to take a train ride for our anniversary, like in alaska. but not this year, we'll be dining out somewhere local. it's not quite as much fun when i can't have anything dairy, but i'll manage. this is the first anniversary that i won't be pregnant. that makes it feel like a longer time, us being married.

we're done with snack time. off i go....

the babes are big

2008-12-05T14:10:00.003-06:00

While she was entertaining herself one day, I thought she was being pretty quite. So I popped around the corner and found her plucking Sam, our beloved house plant. He's doing well, I am happy to report.

Two months...

He may outgrow his stroller quickly

Don't worry, she's a really good driver.

I like her daddy's hat too :)

We went for check-ups this week. M is almost 24 lbs, and Owen is 12. No wonder I keep saying he is getting heavy in his car seat.

My Top Ten Favorite Products

2008-11-13T15:23:00.003-06:00

1.Tide- I love Tide! I don't know what I was thinking before I tried it. If you haven't, seriously, it's worth it. It gets out any stain. Even things that had even been washed and dried came clean. I can not say enough good things about Tide...

2. ALL free and clear-unfortunately, Emma is allergic to Tide :) So this is a fantastic substitute. To be fair, I haven't tried to get out anything as tough as I did with Tide, so it might be just as good. It is actually probably a little better, because it doesn't irritate her skin.

3. Sally Hansen nail and cuticle pen- it was inexpensive, and it does a wonderful job of hydrating your cuticles and your nails at the same time. It comes in a tube that looks like a pen. You turn one end to get the product to come out the other. It is dispensed onto a little brush, so it is really mess free! The biggest reason I went for it though, is that you don't have to rinse it off, and you don't have to put it on and wait for 5 minutes. I must admit, I have even used it at red lights!

4. Vaseline healthy skin and nails-the best lotion ever.

5. Infant swings-what did they do without them? No wonder women died early, they were just so tired and stressed, that maybe an eternal rest didn't sound so bad...

6. A modern washer and dryer-ok, so I know there are very, very few people who use the old fashioned kind now. But, when we moved in with my grandpa, he has an old washer that had a motor to wash, but you still had to wring the clothes out after you rinsed them. And, (correct me if I'm wrong, dear siblings) but I am sure he did not have an electric dryer either. So we spent a lot of time doing laundry. Now, I only have four people to do laundry for, and I wash a load just about every other day. I cannot imagine how bad we would stink, how chapped my hands would be, and how tired and behind I would be without these modern conveniences. I think knowing that just a couple generations ago they did not have such a thing makes me appreciate it that much more.

7. Fruit of the vine-maybe this isn't technically a product. But, after a long hard day, when my stress level is through the roof, nothing beats a lovely glass of wine, or a cheap homemade margarita (the kind that comes in a big plastic bottle, with the name of a cheesy restaurant on it, and the tequila is already in it).

You know why there was so much "fellowship" in biblical times? It's because they had wine people! The story of water being turned into wine is a classic example. Jesus made more wine because he knew that without it, it wouldn't be nearly as fun. :)

8. Coffee- need I say more? This should probably be closer to the top of the list. Hmm...washer dryer vs. coffee.

washer dryer vs. coffee

tough call...

9. A computer-there are days when this is the only outside life I get. My sanity may be in perilous danger without it.

10. My camera-I am able to freeze time with the push of a button. I absolutely love to pull up a chair and flip through some old albums. I believe it's a luxury we take for granted. Once again, it wasn't so long ago when it wasn't so easy to take pictures, and not everyone had a camera.

The runner ups include a garage, chap stick, slippers, and the printing press.

:)

picture this

2008-11-03T21:42:00.000-06:00

When I was an early teenager, I received call waiting for my birthday. I had been begging for it for a long time. It started with an incident when my dear mother lost track of time, and I waited for a long time to get picked up. Each time I called home I listened to that dumb busy signal, and I wasted no opportunity to recount this to my parents in an effort to bend their will to mine. Admittedly, I also wanted it so I could talk to as many people as possible in one sitting.
Close to my birthday, as I was sitting in the dining room talking on the phone, I noticed a beep. I didn't really think much about it. Later on that day the phone rand and it was my dad. He had news, the beepy phone call meant my wish had come true. Call waiting at last!
A few years later, my desire was for a phone in my own room. So, the relentless begging began, and ended with my dad telling me that if I helped, he would install a jack in my room. As one can imagine, I was ecstatic.
So, it doesn't take much effort to relate to the apple of my eye. I can easily see, as can you, that I have successfully passed on my love of the phone to her.

She loves that thumb!

She is a good mommy, most of the time. There are moments when she leaves baby behind as she takes the stroller for a spin. There are also times when she is careful to bring baby with her, then immediately hands her off to her dad or me. (at least she is responsible enough to find a babysitter) Everyone needs a break though, right?

cousin play time

2008-11-03T10:36:00.001-06:00

On Saturday, my husband's cousin (who is actually a double cousin, which I think is cool) came over with his wife and their two children. I don't know if the girls knew what to think of each other at first. They were each a little shy. But, after loading them up with pizza, and turning on some great toddler tunes, they decided this was fun. Claire hadn't quite made up her mind about dancing, but Emma went over to her and took her hand and coaxed her to the "dance floor". And they had a ball! Claire informed me that she was friends with Emma, but made sure to say that she was friends with her brother, Fisher, also. The girls are about 8 months apart, and they live only an hour away! So, I think we are all pretty excited that they can be good friends as they grow up.

so long

2008-10-23T15:35:00.002-05:00

it's hard to believe we have been here for over two months now. i already forget what it's like to be pregnant.

one last diaper change before we go

and a drink for the road :)

6 weeks in

2008-10-17T14:07:00.007-05:00

I believe that God is gracious. He helps me in many ways, and yesterday was without exception.

Six weeks. I just had to make it to six weeks, and it will be easier. The last six weeks have been challenging at times. They have been wonderful at times, and they have certainly been tiring, all the time. But yesterday was the six weeks of going into labor. True, technically the baby wasn't six weeks old yet, but I'll take it.

Yesterday was a really good day.

Six weeks ago, I took my wedding ring off in the van on the way home from the city. The very next day I went into labor. I didn't remember to move it. It was in a bad place. It got lost.

I lost my wedding ring.

Not ok.

I first noticed on the way home from the hospital. We looked everywhere. I called the hospital twice, my husband called once, and I stopped in once. I gave up, and it stunk. I really thought that somehow it would turn up.

So it was really hard for me. And I have had some time to try to figure out why.

It isn't the monetary value. It's minimal. It wasn't my engagement ring, just the wedding band.

True, it is just a ring and can be easily replaced. But the actual ring was what my husband gave to me on our actual wedding day. That can't be replaced. It isn't necessarily the day that it symbol0ized. The day was great, but let's be honest. If you were Bill Murray (Groundhog's day!) and had to live one day over and over again, would it really be your wedding day? Mine was simple but it was still tiring. So it isn't just the day.

It's the moment when this man, who I love so much, became mine forever. This is the guy that I tried so hard to convince myself would just be a good friend before we started dating, this is the guy who I moved away from, then drove 8 hours to see way too often, and talked to every day for a year. He became more to me, in that moment. We became forever. The ring didn't do that, but it reminds me.

So I was devastated.

Yesterday, at the magic six week mark, my remarkable husband replaced it. I told him that it couldn't be just a shopping day that we picked it up, it needed to be special. And he made it so. Although the first one can't really be replaced, it has been.

And I'm not going to lose it.

Also yesterday, I gave Owen gas drops through the day, and he was so much better in the evening. It was the first time in many weeks that we were both able to be doing things to get ready for supper without holding him. He sat nicely as we all ate. Then he went into the swing, which he has hated since he was about two weeks old, and fell asleep while Emma took a bath. I was ecstatic. I vacuumed at 7:00 p.m. It was glorious. I think I am going to give him gas drops, and stop giving him the acid reflux medication, and see what happens. It was hard to get him to sleep, but I finally did at 11, or somewhere in there, and he slept until 4:30. 4:30!!!! So, six weeks to the day, and he slept longer than he ever has. The chains of sleep deprivation are loosening.

Also...Emma and I were romping around, and I plunked her down on the couch and bent over to quiet Owen. I heard a gasp and looked under my legs from my football stance and watched my darling daughter fall head first onto the floor from the couch. She cried. It was a cry that took a long time to come out. We just watched her as her face got redder and redder, and then the flood gates opened. Not that I blame her. It would have been the same for me. I scooped her up and was holding her and hugging her and telling her that I was really sorry and that she was going to be ok. But she insisted that she needed daddy. She pushed off of me and lunged into his outstretched arms, and there they held on to each other. Slowly she calmed down. One may think that this doesn't fit into my great day, but it does.

I have been dreading that day for months. Every toddler has falls and spills, and she has not had near her fair share. So it came, and she didn't break her neck (which is a real concern of mine) or get a concussion (which could really happen, right?) or shed any blood (which freaks me out every time). She fell, she cried, she got on with life.

Then this morning she said her "ABC's" again, though still with the exception of "l" and "w", and "brushed" her teeth for the first time. She spent a lot of time biting the toothbrush and couldn't really spit, but enjoyed the process of trying.

It is really beginning to feel like life again. I have left my house twice this week with no kids. I went for a jog and didn't worry or feel guilty the entire time. I am caught up with our laundry. The carpet is clean and most of the other odd and end things are done. I feel like I am doing better during the days. I am learning to be a mom to two.

And it feels like life.

a makeover

2008-10-15T14:51:00.002-05:00

i spent too long updating my blog today. it was really fun.

in my defense, i had a fussy baby who had to be tended too, so it isn't as if i could have done much else.

well, maybe a few things ;)

today emma repeated almost the entire alphabet. she got stuck on "l", and kept saying "boo" instead. she also had trouble with "w", but by that time she was getting kind of silly anyway.

so she may not be a prodigy after all. ;)

that would look great in your yard

2008-10-14T14:42:00.003-05:00

they both love their pizza

if she shares his love of horrible science fiction, particularly from the late 70's era, i am seriously in trouble.

we're all snugglie and tired.

now, i think that the joy of owning, is being able to decorate. i believe these folks believe that is the case as well...

is there a house under there somewhere?

that's all folks

this is me

2008-10-13T15:28:00.002-05:00

i looked up my strength finder the other day. always fun to share

1. arranger
2. developer
3. optimistic
4. empathy
5. belief

emma is sitting here being good. she got my spoon from my cereal, and i didn't notice. i look over and see her using it, very well, to eat her shredded wheat crumbs from her own bowl. she put all the big chunks into my bowl, ate her crumbs, and is now putting the chunks back into her bowl. i'll share the dramatic conclusion next time.

it is getting colder all the time. i don't know what we will find to do in the winter days. i suspect i will take a few drives to occupy us.

we went out to eat on saturday, and emma had about two breadsticks, two pieces of pizza, and half of a cinna stick. it looked like she hadn't eaten for days. so she was full!

i suppose

2008-10-08T12:32:00.002-05:00

it's time to start potty training.

i have no idea what i'm doing.

any suggestions?

i have heard several tips about how to do things, and not to do things, as you progress, but what is the first step?

emma now says "owen" very clearly. she says hi baby owen, and baby owen, and owen. she's a cutie.

i got her a doll stroller and a little carseat, and she likes them both. it is really fun to be able to be a mom to a little girl. it's getting to paint her toenails, and "put" powder on her, it's the girly things. and every little girl wants things for her baby. that was our big adventure on monday, going to walmart in the rain, and getting toys. it was fun.

i really enjoy this job...it's tiring, and hard, and who knew a promotion makes your life busier, rather than cushier. but yes, i love this job. :)

2008-10-03T14:52:00.002-05:00

so i had a baby, and this model walked in and wanted to take a picture with me! i obviously said, "ok, but you can't take the baby with you".

ok, are you sure we don't need any type of licensing to do this?

her first juice box!

she sure was a big help as we moved

she is a breeze to go anywhere with. she just gets her purse, and her baby, and she's ready!

time

2008-10-03T14:20:00.003-05:00

oh boy...
it's been a long while since i actually sat and thought, and wrote. these are golden times for me. it's an outlet, and i love it. there are dishes to do, and food to make, and a grocery list that could be started, but sometimes i just need to sit and be by myself, and not feel like i need to be crossing something off this list. because, the list will never, ever, ever, be done :)

there have been many instances in the last weeks that i have thought, "now there's a good topic for my blog", and have been disappointed that i just couldn't get here. i wish i could hook up a line into my head, and just think, and have that be blogging. kind of spooky and futuristic, but efficient and handy too.

yesterday, i was sitting down, and had the baby in the car seat, and emma was more interested in him than in me, or any toys. she had been playing with a few little things, and when i brought the baby in and sat him down, she picked something up and showed him, and said some things, and really wanted to include him. she kind of bent down, and was really happy to be near him. and it really made me gooey inside. i immediately thought of all the times in scripture where a child's heart is referred to. coming to him as little children. there it was, right in front of me. she doesn't have the weight of adult sin, the greed, the selfishness, the lack of forgiveness. she is innocent, a child of such infinite love and sincerity, it is really remarkable to watch. of course she has her imperfections, as all people do (no matter what size), but she is such a sweet little lady. just sweet. and no matter how small her little heart is, it has room for a lot of love. lots.

i saw pictures of us together before i had owen. and it really made me miss her. it's so weird to say that, because i spend every day with her. but it's the times that i knew i would miss that i miss. i miss her and i sitting on the floor, and her leaning against my big belly. i miss us walking, and me being able to get her in and out however many times she wanted. i miss going to the store and it being a big adventure, and letting her see new things, and try new things, and touch new things, and everything being able to happen with no time table, with no interruptions. i miss her, because as strange as it is, she has really changed in the last month. she plays by herself more, she comforts herself more, and is comforted more easily (for the most part). she simply handles herself more and more like a little girl, and less and less like a baby. but i miss my baby. i feel like a bird (a big bird, but we'll get to that later, if at all) who has to push her little bird out of the nest. and even though "our little emma" has shown me that she is ok, and she is happy, and she loves this little baby, and she loves me and her dad and her days. even though she is thriving and learning and growing, i still don't feel like it is time yet. i know she's ok, but it doesn't feel time yet. i guess i might feel like that no matter the age she is, she'll always be in a stage, always changing and growing, constantly leaving behind the things that linked her to her smaller and younger self. she'll be my little emma for a long time.

i am learning too emma, it's hard for me too.

i sit and i cry. this is good therapy, and although it is not free, it is cheap.

i think i remember feeling a lot of the same things with the first birth.

i feel like i am never going to fit into my clothes. i struggle to get anywhere out of our house, it takes at least half an hour from the point of, ok, let's really get ready, to when i can actually step out the door. i am resentful of the oddest things, i am bitter at the oddest things, and i have a hard time thinking that this will ever feel normal, and it will ever feel like life again. added in, of course, is this whole moving business. i wonder if this will ever feel like home, and i tell myself that of course it will. one doesn't live somewhere for years without it becoming home. but right now, it doesn't really feel like home, not truly. it feels like we live here and are settled and are content. we are. but it's not home yet.

i miss my time. i have 24 hours that are suddenly more precious than anything. i have four people so split them with, but must subtract sleeping time. so i don't have a lot to work with here. i miss my husband, and i miss our time. i miss being able to go to the gym (they had child care and cable, don't give me too many points). i miss target. how lame am i? how horrible and materialistic and shallow, how childish and immature and, did i already say lame? lame says so much. how whatever am i, but i miss target.

i miss my quality time with my husband.

i miss time.

the birth of a baby is supposed to be this joyous occasion, and this incredibly happy time. and of course it is. but it is also the loss of other things, some return, others are gone forever. i think it's ok to feel sad, and ok to feel isolated and lonely. i think it's ok to feel like it is hard, because it is. i don't think it's ok to feel like that forever, but for now, i think it's ok.

some snapshots

2008-10-02T10:58:00.004-05:00

some fun tummy time. emma loves this baby. she really enjoys when she gets to hug him, and lay by him, and pat him. it's pretty cute

emma also enjoys her bath time, and tolerates her mother making her look weird. this picture will be a classic for years to come :)

the baby. she eats, she sleeps, she is cared for by emma. sometimes she gets slammed into the floor in a bout of excitement, but no serious head injuries have been reported to date.

that's some fun weekend time right there.

here i am

2008-09-22T09:15:00.008-05:00

the moby wrap...it's worth every penny i paid for it. it's a long piece of fabric that you wrap around you, and you can hold your baby several different ways. he likes it, which is also a bonus. this was the first time i used it, on our first walk. ahh...

this was the first outing to the store. i talked with my m.i.l. in the van, and discussed how to proceed from that point. hmm... i'll keep you posted

i knew they had carts designed just for me. but i was not prepared for them. i spied three just inside the door, parked, on the opposite side from all the regular carts. i looked at these things, and noted the size difference, and just sighed.

this is going to be different. this is the stage i am in. no glitz or dresses or dressy clothes, no more running in and out of a store, no driving normal carts. no more adorable child who everyone comments on. now, i drive a tank, and am one of the people who you may try to politely ignore in the store, as i maneuver past you with inches to spare, trying desperately to keep order.

so, as with many moments in my life, especially lately,i paused, and tried to internalize the change.

life happens so gradually, i just have a hard time understanding when i became a mom of two, a lady who wears a lot of lounge clothes. when did anything that gets me out of the house past 7 p.m. become an adventure?

so this is my moment, captured forever. taking it well, don't you think?

but, needless to say, i am very happy. am i tired? oh man. am i overwhelmed, and nervous? :) am i full of ups and downs, and "fragile"? holy cow. yes, i am flooded with emotions, ranging from feelings of accomplishment to grave disappointments, times of incredible patience and times when i am sure that my hair will be in my hand before the clock strikes again.

joy, and frustration.

yet, i'm happy!

happy times

2008-09-16T08:35:00.003-05:00

the simple things in life...this was after my husband and i discussed toys, and the necessity, or lack of, them. so emma played with kitchen stuff for hours. :)
once again, simple pleasures. she has one of the diaper wipe containers and loves it.
snoozing
my loves
yo dog

the great day

2008-09-11T15:52:00.002-05:00

the new family
the new babe...this was when he was in the warmer still, less than an hour old
the birthday. stylish hospital attire
cute little hospital gear for him though!

The new big sister! She loves the baby.

Meet our baby!

2008-09-11T15:27:00.002-05:00

Last Thursday, I had a baby boy. I went into labor on my own, which was good. I kind of thought I was going into labor, but wasn't quite sure, and the previous day I had thought I was too. So, on Thursday, I went to ShopKo with two of the best people ever. I had a pretty good contraction in the car on the way, and thought that they were probably getting stronger. Then as we wandered in the store, I had a couple more, and one when I was checking out. I really had to focus to keep a straight face. I decided I better sit in the car for the next stop. We were on our way to destination #2 and I had a good one, and the driver read my mind, for she said, "maybe we should drop you off at home." Good idea.

The labor went really fast. I was really surprised by how quickly I progressed, and how strong the contractions were. They never really went away, so it was hard work. I pushed for almost two hours before the doctor said that despite their patience, my hard work, and trying the vacuum, this baby wasn't coming out. So, c-section it was.

It was much different than the first time. They weren't very caring, but I guess it's the health of the baby that is important, rather than the comfort of emotional state of the mom. Nevertheless, it wasn't very pleasant.

I finally got to hold him at about 6:30 a.m. on Friday morning, about 10 hours after checking in, and two hours after the delivery. It was definitely love at first sight. All the worries I had about being able to love him enough, or anxiety about being able to physically care for two children, all of that was replaced by this overwhelming sense of joy, and accomplishment, and love. Meeting for the first time was just an amazing experience.

His name is Owen Nicholas. He was 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. He is a good baby.

Emma really likes the new baby. She pats him very gently and says, "nice". She is concerned when he cries and is eager to look at him, and it will be fun when she can hold him.

So it's been a crazy week. Everyone is adjusting really well. He sleeps well and doesn't cry unless there is something wrong. So, the family is happy and healthy :)

one of these days..

2008-09-03T21:49:00.004-05:00

today i woke up with something like false labor. it lasted for a couple of hours. it's hard not to feel dumb, because you feel like you were playing hooky or something. so i made my husband stay home, and it was a big deal, and ended up to be nothing.

i'm having such different emotions, so up and down. i am ready, and excited.

i can't imagine being able to have the same relationship with a child that i do with emma. i don't understand how this will work. when she needs me, it's all i want to do, just make her ok. i want to cuddle her and help her and comfort her. when she's happy, we hang out and play, and she discovers things and we get excited together. it's almost like a loss in a sense. i am losing this time, and although it will be just as good, i'm sure (at least in time), it will never be like it is right now. so i spend some time just thinking about that, and just holding her close, and soaking up the moments that it's just like it is. different isn't always bad, many times it is good. but i think it's always hard to think about the future with pure thoughts, not speckled with anxiety or hesitation. i wonder when that changes. does it ever change? will i ever learn, will i ever have enough trust, will i ever be able to just go forward and know, really know, that it will be ok, and that i don't have to have everything perfectly figured out. i wonder.

so, on we go. another day...

monday monday

2008-09-01T19:41:00.002-05:00

well, no baby. i am four days over now. i am trying to enjoy myself, and remember that a newborn is hard work, so i should relish the time i have now. it's really hard to do though. if i didn't know that i was due four days ago, it wouldn't be so bad. maybe the doctors shouldn't tell you when your due date is. it should just be between them and the chart.

puppy

2008-08-29T08:23:00.002-05:00

Yesterday, while at the store in the cereal isle, Emma points over and exclaims, "puppy!". I said, no no, there's no puppy. Silly girl. But wait...she was pointing at the tiger. You know the one. She was really excited about it. I think that there is a tiger on more than one kind now too. It seems a little early for them to be hooking my baby, but the marketing seems to be beginning it's magic. Oh boy.

I feel kind of crummy this week, just the last few days I guess. I'm trying to visualize my body getting ready for labor, but it isn't always helpful. Last night I had a moment of terror when I realized that if a person needs Midol, then what the heck is this going to be like?????????

Then I fell asleep.

party time

2008-08-27T13:01:00.002-05:00

This morning I woke up very excited. I found a moms day out program in town, at a church. There are three ladies who watch children for two hours, while you do anything your heart desires. So, Emma and I got up, ate, dressed, and headed downtown.

The actual church building is beautiful. It is an old brick traditional style. We found the room with no problems. I filled out my paperwork and Emma stayed very close to me, looking around at the other children, and strayed a few feet away to grab a few toys, then was reeled back into me. When one of the ladies came and sat down next to us, Emma gave her one of her toys, so I knew it would probably be ok. I hung the diaper bad on a hook, told my dd good-bye, and walked out. I did my normal no-no, hung outside the door for a moment, made sure I didn't hear wailing, and peeked back in to see how it was going. She was fine. Not ecstatic, but fine.

I then headed to the library on foot, just a block away. I was about 20 minutes early, and after trying to figure out if I should go get coffee and just bring it back to the library, or go mail my letter, or how to fill the time, the best idea dawned on me. I just sat down on the bench. I just sat. I watched the cars drive by, I looked at the church across the street. I noticed the houses, I enjoyed to crisp air. I just sat. It has been a long time since I just sat, by myself, somewhere enjoyable. I didn't feel lazy, or that I was being inefficient. I felt like I was enjoying a small town morning, waiting for the library to open.

Which it did.

But they did not have any of the books I was looking for. Courtesy of the best magazine in publication, Real Simple, I had a long list of fiction to try. But after looking for several, I went to the catalogue, which was not working. The artsy librarian informed me that had been the case for two weeks, and showed me where there were new books stacked, so I might try looking through these. After searching for the remaining books on my list, I did what I normally do anyway, just picked two totally random books based on the cover, the back, and one or two sentences from the page that it fell open to. We'll see.

Then, I walked to the coffee shop. I ordered a regular cup of coffee, half decaff, which really confused the worker. I believe it was three times that I assured her that yes, just a regular cup of coffee would be great. I don't know how much of it was actually decaf, but she tried. I sat at one of the quaint little tables that had a wine bottle serving as a vase for a single plastic flower, and read a magazine. I enjoyed a blueberry scone, and enjoyed the mindless joy of flipping through pages.

Meanwhile, Emma was having a ball. When I walked through the nursery doors to retrieve her, she looked at me, sort of acknowledged me, and walked the other way. This is a first. Even times when she has had fun, such as the gym or church nursery, she has always been very excited to see me, and put on a good show about how distraught she had actually been. A dramatic tot, to be sure. Today was an exception. She resumed playing. She picked up a few toys and was very concentrated. I went to her, and asked her if she wanted to go home. She gave my leg a big hug, said mommy, and walked away again. It was a really good feeling, to know that she really did have fun, and she was fine. I don't have to worry :) When we walked out the door to the hallway, she refused my hand, and ran ahead. She was not ready to come to me. She's getting a little independent. After we had picked up my husband for lunch, she thought she didn't need any help climbing the stairs into the kitchen. It wasn't but a moment, she then came back down to earth, and reached for her daddy's hand.

She she proved that she really isn't a baby. She is ready to do new things, explore, meet new people, and act like a big girl. Even though she still needs our hand.

no baby no baby no baby no baby (like no batter)

2008-08-25T15:43:00.000-05:00

yesterday at 3 p.m., i said, i am going to go into labor in the next 24 hours. it is now 3:43, so my announcement was obviously wrong. oh well, on we go

emma said "nice" today, while we were walking to go have lunch with my awesome husband. it was nice out, i told her, and she agreed. she says cheese very well now, and pizza. she gets a new word almost every day.

we saw a house that we liked yesterday, but i looked it up today and found that it was listed about 130k above our range. ouch. but we like all kinds of them, including where we are, so we have no complaints.

nothing creative

2008-08-23T14:14:00.000-05:00

emma is trying to pose...
yummy something
putting daddy's shoes on
at the arboretum in kansas
the arboretum. it was a really nice day.

random is my specialty

2008-08-23T14:02:00.000-05:00

nine months
seven months
our house
back of house
our yard

a page from our current chapter

2008-08-21T21:35:00.000-05:00

well, to start with, here is a personal favorite of
mine. this house is just across the street from us. i was too chicken to cross the street and take a closer picture, lest i become the weird new lady who takes random pictures in front our your house, so you can't quite see the sign very well. but, it is a hair salon, it is called the "rant and wave". now, that is a place right out of a novel, setting up the scene for you as a quaint little town with old ladies who walk around in curlers (i did see one walking down the street on my way to the park last week, on a cell phone no less) and men's clubs that meet at the barber shop and drink stale coffee in the mug that is theirs, kept on the barber's one shelf above the well used coffee pot. in our prior world, i choose from places with names like oliver's, salon 21, or salon bliss.
another of the top picks. i don't really have a commentary for this...do i need one?
ok...this gets the gold. this, my dear readers, is a pet cemetery. proudly displayed in the backyard of a small house littered with lawn ornaments. so there is one misty, and four of misty's friends. i have buried pets, but have never erected a monument for them. call me callous i guess.
lots of flamingos. i don't know what sound a flamingo makes, but lets insert it here _______.
my grandpa's name was palmer, so this is a bit nostalgic for me.

here we are

2008-08-18T13:09:00.000-05:00

We made it!

We packed up a truck last Sunday and drove out Monday morning. It was a long trip. But, we won't have to drive that again. It was a weird feeling, knowing that we may never be back there.

Last week my husband and I got a lot of the office type stuff done, we updated addresses, tried to put things where they needed to be, and I tried to learn the town. It's not Kansas City, so it shouldn't be too hard.

This is the first day of work for my dh. I remember feeling this exact way last year, on May 15th. He went to work, back to reality for everyone. I don't know a soul here (well, there are the aunts and uncles (: ), and am trying to keep busy and keep my sanity. Once again, it's a strange feeling to be alone, to not talk much all day, and to keep up some energy for the sake of the babe. I feel like I had just started to find a niche in KC, and then left. But, it was hard, and I don't think it was the place for me, or us. I think that we'll find some people to hang out with here, and then life will feel normal again.

I have been feeling different, physically, in the last few days. I feel myself really slowing down. My body just can't keep up with my mind. I get frustrated, because there is a lot I want to do, but just can't do it all, or even much of it. I really have to prioritize, which is challenging. There will be a time when I have energy, and am motivated again, it will just be awhile.

The baby room is all put together. We put the new crib together and arranged the room. I need a mattress pad, but that's all that is missing. It's kind of fun to go stand in there, and imagine a little baby. Once again though, I am going back and forth between being really excited, and being a lot of other things. It's just hard timing. Once I get into the groove I'll be fine, but it's scary thinking about the next 6 weeks. I don't know if I have ever been this scared. Maybe scared isn't the right word. I just, well, maybe it is.

The lovely town in which we now live has some fun things I'd like to share. I am going to take some pictures and show you how different it is here. It's been fun to see.

More later!

~due date: 10 days!!

10 days of packing left

2008-07-28T08:24:00.000-05:00

We spent the weekend packing. It's the first time we have really packed up a house together, and it went really well. I think we had as much fun as possible, and made a lot of progress. There is still a lot to do, but I think we will be done in time.

I ordered a free potty-training video on-line, and it came in the mail this weekend. I'm not going to bore you with the "I can't believe I have a child old enough to start potty-training" bit. She is really growing, especially height.

We have a house to rent in SD, so we are relieved.

So this is our last full week here. Next weekend I'm going to my sister's wedding, so will be out of town for several days.

Whoa!

the countdown should start

2008-07-24T20:02:00.000-05:00

My husband accepted a position in South Dakota this week. We are moving in less than three weeks. It has been a whirlwind. I can't think of a time that has been this intense, and can't see anything in the future that may compare. Although I am really excited, there will be challenges. It will be awesome once we are there, and I have this baby, and we just get settled in a little bit.

Like all things (for me), it is the anticipation, the wondering, the "what ifs", that make it hard. Especially with the birth. I wish I were able to be available to help my husband more as he prepares to teach, like type things and brainstorm with him (not that I am a huge help, but just having a secretary would be nice), but if may be a few weeks before that is realistic. I am on such an emotional roller coaster right now. When we moved here, 14 months ago, I was really excited. It felt like we were starting our life together, we had this little baby, and I was going to stay home, and everything just fell into place. I was susie homemaker. Now, being here a year, I think it is great, but I understand that I don't really want to stay in the city forever, and the sense of community in a huge place isn't really there.

This time, moving, it's like we are being thrown into it, and I just have so many things running through my mind all the time. I think it is harder because I have all day to think about what to be doing, but can't really knock out many things. I know it is a good thing to have to complain about, going to an incredible place for an incredible job, close to family, out in the open. I feel really lucky to be stressed out about a great transition. But...always a but. But a lot of things. But, it will be hard, but we will get through it. And it can be fun too. I just need to remind myself that life is really an adventure. And as trite as it is, and we all know how much I love trite things, it's the day to day, how you get there, the fun you have along the way, these are the things about life that make it worth it. We will look back on this, and laugh because of how fast it happened, and how, even years later, we just can't imagine how we did that, how on earth we pulled it off. But we'll also say that it was a great time. We also may have some funny stories about the things we fought about, and how dumb they really were. But, we are doing it as a family. I think one of the best things God created was marriage, having someone to share life with. I wouldn't do this without him, and I wouldn't do it any other way. I am taking his hand, and hanging on for dear life, as I have learned to do, and just running with it. He is amazing, and tells me things I need to hear, and gets excited with me when I want to be excited, and makes sure I am ok with what we are doing. And yes, I am ok, but also a wee bit hormonal, a control addict, and a woman. Women take things differently, I think.

So as we hammer out plans, and figure out options, we are just trying to keep everything in perspective. We do have a lot of help, and offers for help, which is, well, helpful. We are healthy, and have a healthy baby, and have been blessed in so many ways. So, although it freaks me out to be doing so many things at one time, I know that it will be ok, and one to add to the books. And, I repeat to myself what someone, who is a bit of an authority on the subject, told me. What I feel is normal, so not to get to bent out of shape. And, if we end up living in a crack house, it's only for a year, so I can think of it as a pilgrimage, or something.

And something for the little lady

2008-07-09T20:02:00.000-05:00

Ok, almost done with the South Dakota stuff.

We were driving, and it was super time. We usually just share some stuff or bring some extra things for Emma. But we weren't eating at McDonald's, just her. I pulled up and we looked at our options. She didn't have milk, we needed milk. And we might as well get some apples for her. Looks like we're ordering a happy meal, for our toddler. It was a first. I knew a milestone had been touched, I felt the step being taken over the threashold, I knew we were going from point A to point B. Ok, maybe I'm a tad dramatic, but just a tad. My husband, he didn't really do any of those things. His attitude was more along the lines of, "yeah, we need a happy meal. Order it and let's get on with our lives." I, of course, was trying to explain to him why this was important. I believe I had the same emotional response when we bought a package of diapers for the first time. Granted, I was still pregnant so I still had my wits about me, but it was a big deal. That got old fast, as I'm sure this will too. I suppose it is most likely a woman vs. man thing, we're mushy, us moms. We can't help it, and why should we?

She is definitely growing up, it's amazing. 16 months is just not a very long time span, in normal life. But when you take a creature than can't do anything, and watch them emerge from their little caccoon of dependence, one day at a time, it just leaves you in awe. When she was itsy bitsy, just a couple of weeks, we drove up to SD, and stopped at a Burger King. We were still figuring out how to go to the bathroom with her, and order, and carry stuff, all the things that are new. There is not a changing station in the bathroom there, so I had to change her diaper on the floor, and I was so scared, because it was dirty. (no, it really was) I was really worried that she was going to get contaminated or something. I was horrified. I didn't want to put my brand new baby down on that, even with a changing pad sheilding her from the invisible gunk. It's like a new car, you don't want it to get scratched, or dented, or very dirty. It's new, and it's yours, and you want to keep it nice.

Flash forward 16 months. She now crawls around on the floor while I go to the bathroom, and has gone under a dressing room door more than once. She eats things that I can't identify. Yesterday she picked up a goldfish cracker from the dirt, and would have eaten it if I wouldn't have stopped her. A little dirt don't hurt, I realize this people. But a cracker caked in ants may. So I threw the cracker, and drowned all the little ants that were covering her hand, and she giggled the whole time.

I feel like I'm growing too.

Anyway, we got a happy meal for her. It feels weird to be here, I say that often, I know. But as you are young, you have these mental pictures of what life if going to be like, and how you are going to be, and you have these visions of the stages. And I just don't feel like I am the mother of a toddler who eats happy meals!

And the toy. It's kind of lame, don't you think? I thought they were cool when I got them, but maybe they were lame when I was little too. She's not impressed, which is probably good. We don't want her begging for a happy meal every time we see one of those blasted arches.

deck the...deck something

2008-07-09T19:40:00.000-05:00

This was in South Dakota also. Emma had a great time on her grandpa and grandma's deck. The wind was high a couple of days, and she really enjoyed running around and getting whipped around.
I was trying to be deep and capture the moment. I'm not sure if it worked like I had hoped, but you get the idea.
Emma had a lot of fun playing with her Aunt Sarah. Shall I say, her I new Aunt Sarah :)
Definitely an outdoor gal.

take me to the river...but don't put me in the water

2008-07-09T08:36:00.000-05:00

on our trip to south dakota two weeks ago, we drove down to the river, which is very close. just as we got there, the clouds started rolling in, and it started to sprinkle. this is kind of a cool picture because you can see the rain coming in the background.

it was really raining here, which is why we have really strange expressions. it was fun, and wet, and cold, but mostly fun.

whoa...that's a big belly

2008-07-09T08:31:00.000-05:00

this was in month seven

Pictures

2008-07-09T08:23:00.000-05:00

meal time is always an adventure

Sink or swim!

...

2008-06-25T21:19:00.000-05:00

yesterday i was straightening my hair. emma was tinkering around, and bumped her head on something. it was kind of a bad bump, and she was tired, so it was an ordeal. i jumped up and we walked around, and she settled down. i laid her down for a nap. i think i came downstairs to get some water. i went back up and as i approached my vanity saw that the straightener had fallen against our camera. as it is plastic, there is a little gouge melted away :( it still works fine, but it's one of those moments that i wish i could redo. if only i would have double checked to make sure it was sitting up before i walked away. oh well. it's a bummer.

two days ago i cleaned out the garage. i parked on the street anyway, so i just carried the few things out and got the hose hooked up and sprayed it down and swept it out. it's nice to have it clean again. i tried to wash the van yesterday, but the car wash was horrible. it seemed like the foam brush was out of soap or something, because it wasn't all that soapy. it is really streaky and looks dumb, but it will get dirty this weekend anyway, so i am not going to worry about it. although it is kind of hard for me to let it go when i look at the bad spots. even the windows are streaky.

the battle of battleship continues between the mr and i. we are tied...but only due to luck. ;)

name that tree

2008-06-20T09:26:00.001-05:00

Our mornings start with breakfast, then some inside play time, followed by going outside. Emma explores and I drink my cup of coffee. It is nice and shady still, and a very peaceful start to the day.

Emma was bird watching today. Well, birds as well as rabbits. She found several and pointed, then exclaimed "puppy!".

She teetered her way down the lawn, and headed south, towards the front of the house. As she marveled over the rocks in the neighbors landscaping, I lamented over the overgrowth on the side of our house. There are a few shrubs or trees or something, that began the season as little guys, and now are towering over the bulbs that are taking over. It is not the most beautiful area, and I would love to get it dug up and plant some peonies or pansies, or something wildflower like. As I was grumbling about the ugliness, my eye caught sight of something marvelous.

This is truly a special bush. Can you name it??

It's a mulberry bush!!!!!!!

Oh, mulberry bushes are so great! I had said several times that I would love to have one, how much fun it was as a girl.

When I was growing up, we had these all over the farm. A huge one towered over the driveway, another huge one was off of a path by the upper garden, and several smaller ones dotted the fence line along various pastures or gardens. We used to just pick them and eat them off the bush. The berries are sweet and dark, and will stain your hands and clothes. They contain small seeds and make the texture ever so grainy, but the sweet treat is well worth the effort of picking them, however small they may be. One of the many things I took for granted, I have not seen a mulberry bush since.

So I tried one. They are not quite ripe yet, but it was still a fun and nostaligic experience.

And I reminded myself that sometimes the good things in life aren't always detailed and intricate. Sometimes they are overgrown and seemingly out of control. Sometimes they don't look quite like the neighbors, and sometimes you think you would rather dig it up and do your own thing. But without mulberry bushes, we have no mulberrys.

And here is the explorer (in her pj's). Rocks are of special interest to her. If we are walking, she will most times spy a rock and she must pick it up before we continue. As she is such a sweet little girl, she will want to share her treasure with you, and will undoudtedly delight in your excitement, and appreciate your help in wiping the dirt from her mouth.

come on...be a big girl

2008-06-17T08:23:00.000-05:00

In two weeks or so, I will be due in two months. It seems really fast. Last time I was laying clothes out in the crib, and daydreaming about what life would be like with a baby. This time, I am looking at Emma, and wondering what life with a newborn will be like. We have a few things to teach her he arrives.
A big priority is getting down the stairs by herself. So we have been helping her with the "sit and scoot" method. She likes it and is good at it, but still needs us to hold one hand. That would even be ok for awhile. I just can't carry two of them down at once.
Another is eating with a spoon. She is really interested, and does fairly well. She improves all the time.
Next is bathing herself, and making her own meals. Laundry will come soon enough, so I am not going to push that, for now ;)
It's fun to think about how they will interact as he grows, and what her reaction will be to a baby. It's exciting to think of a new little baby, to meet him and hold him, and name him, and introduce him. It's fun to look at the little clothes and see how small they are, and wonder how they start so small! It's fun to imagine a new little life that we get to be a part of, because we are so lucky. It's fun all right, just with a layer or terror and a sprinkle of panic on top.

the show

2008-06-16T10:13:00.000-05:00

last week we had a spectacular lightening show. i don't remember if i have ever seen one so intense and amazing. it would have been more so if we had a good view in the country, but it was still crazy. the lightening was constant, for at least an hour. i stood in the living room with the lights out, and watched the windows with the blinds closed. the light flickered from behind as if there was a light trying to come on, but shorting out. it was almost like a horror movie. you can never really capture these things on camera, but i tried. this has a good bolt i got. you can mute your sound :) i sound like a dork

some light

2008-06-16T10:10:00.000-05:00

this one is kind of lame. there isn't anything spectacular. you can speed it up and get the idea...

he he he

2008-06-16T09:57:00.000-05:00

wait, there's my daddy!

giggle time

2008-06-16T09:54:00.000-05:00

a little game of tag

Some dolly love...

2008-06-13T14:50:00.000-05:00

This was on the way to Iowa. There are some long roads on that trip!

i hate rabbits

2008-06-08T20:06:00.001-05:00

We planted my tomato plants last night. These are the ones I planted from seeds, and transplanted, and spent a lot of time on. I looked out back tonight, and saw that all our stuff had been scattered by the wind. So I went out and picked up, and peeked at the plants. But something ate them! We suspect rabbits. There are some stems left, but all the leaves are gone. I wish we could do something to deter them. I'm pretty irritated.

dot dot dot

2008-06-06T13:30:00.000-05:00

Yea for Fridays!

My doctor's office called, and gave me the results of blood work. I have slightly low iron, so no wonder I am tired so much. So I need to get more vitamin C, and obviously more iron. I feel like I eat a lot of iron, but you need twice as much when you're pregnant, so I guess I don't get quite enough.

Jess sold his weight set last night. It has been for sale for a while, and we were getting kind of frustrated. But, someone called two nights ago and said he would be here yesterday, and he actually came. So that's good.

I got a double stroller this week. Did I already say that? It is big, but doable.

I'm trying to muster up the energy to go to the gym. It's only 1:30, and if we don't do something we'll both go crazy.

Come on energy..come on

the good times, and the bad (or just unhappy!)

2008-06-04T15:32:00.000-05:00

Playing with family.

Posing for her auntie
Why Grandma?? WHY!!!
This stinks! Just let me out of here!

Park time

2008-06-04T15:16:00.000-05:00

This is at a park in Sioux Center Iowa. We all had a great time.

There was a huge tree. It was really neat.

Happy girls

Our fam

The big tree

my dad has great hair

2008-06-04T15:15:00.000-05:00

Emma checks out her dad's hair. Was the cut ok?

Goat loving

2008-06-04T15:14:00.000-05:00

Some pillow sharing squeal time

2008-06-04T14:55:00.000-05:00

Relaxing times

2008-06-04T14:26:00.000-05:00

Cruising down the street,

with no pants on,

climbing in my car.

Emma loves mustard...and her dad.

"I have a secret, no one will know"

So, tell me again, why do you have to go back to Seattle?

And where is Seattle?

low key weekend

2008-06-01T21:27:00.000-05:00

Nice weekend, didn't do much. It was kind of hot and humid, so it was nice to have some air conditioning, and we enjoying it! We pulled the shades down and avoided going out. We walked to the neighborhood garage sales up the street. I had seen a double stroller the day before, and had thought about it, but decided to go check it out again. We rolled up in time to see someone carrying it to their car. Shoot. I wasn't that in love with it, so it wasn't much of a sting. We went on, and saw a house that was closing down. I mentioned that we were looking for a double stroller rather than a single, and he husband trotted down to their basement and brought up an awesome side by side. It is one of the top three brands, one that I would seriously consider getting. After getting to steer it, I think that I would get a side by side rather than a front to back. It was pretty nice. She said that you can order a parent cup holder/tray, which is really one of the most important features for me. Their stroller, however, was missing a piece that releases it from the folding position, an important piece if you aren't carrying a screwdriver with you in your diaper bad. She was going to check on getting a replacement and call me. Even if she doesn't get back to me, I'm pretty excited. No stores carry good double strollers, the side by side models at least, so it was a great happening to be able to see and try one in person.

I continue to warm up. I read in the expecting book today, that because your metabolism speeds up (I think I got that right), you feel much warmer. Yeah, that's about right. For the first time, I am hotter than my husband, and have turned the air down during the night several times. Is it air down to get colder, or air up? I say down, because you turn the temperature down. There are those that say up though, because you are turning it up to make it work, thus making it cooler.

Emma is getting better in church. It is really encouraging to watch her learn how to behave, a little. I think she is understanding that we sit (and stand and sit and stand and kneel and stand...), not walk around or play. She sat with the hymnal and flipped through the pages during all the readings, and we didn't have to take her out until much later than we have in the past weeks. So, it's getting better. I think I am starting to relax a little too. She talks a little, but that is what babies do. And, from what I have seen, there are plenty of older kids who talk, and adults also. So you can't get mad at me because my 15 month old talks a little!

I don't think anything profound has happened lately. We did laundry today, and it is the first time in a long time that it has been washed, dried, folded and completely put away in the same day. I had very, very little to do with it. It's a great feeling though.

If we are going to be outside at all this week, I think we better get in gear earlier than normal, to beat the heat. Emma will go to door and whine if we don't go out at all. She had a meltdown the other day. It was a true tantrum. She walked around the kitchen and threw herself down. Her face was very red and blotchy. I teetered between feeling really bad for her frustration, and being amused at her dramatic display. I'm sure it will grow to be more frustration on my part, as these displays become more frequent.

um...what the heck?

2008-05-29T15:12:00.000-05:00

In an effort to conserve energy and love our planet (slight sarcasm), we decided to turn off the air and open the windows last night. It was a nice night, so it got cool enough for us to sleep comfortably. It's inevitable though, something must go wrong.

I went to sleep thinking that it would get cold enough for me to shut the fan off when I got up in the night, so we could hear Emma if she cried. The last time we had our fan on, I didn't hear her, (although both doors had been shut). So last night we opened each door, and thought it would probably be ok. But, I just woke up and couldn't stop thinking about not being able to hear her. The thought was stealing my z's. So I turned the fan off, and went back to sleep.

All was well for a couple of hours. Then, I started having this bizarre dream about cats fighting. Then, bizarre became reality. I laid there in bed, at about 3:30, and wondered why cats have to have such issues. They were either having some weird mating interaction, or just fighting. Last year the same thing happened, and I went outside and chased them off, and it ended well. So I was thinking that I had better do the same thing. Out of the blue, my husband says, (not so impressed, mind you) "why did you turn off the fan?". I didn't know that he was awake too, so I had not anticipated being asked for an explanation. He was not impressed, with the fan being off or my answer. He may have reminded me that both doors were open, but I could be interjecting that.

I then rolled out of bed, and made my way downstairs to chase the horny cats away. I thought about getting a broom, but thought that might be a tad dramatic. (Who wants to be the pregnant lady with a broom, chasing cats in the middle of the night?) I turned on the outside light, unbolted the door, and prepared to boldly step out and redeem my bad fan decision.

My foot was midair, on the way to the step, before I processed my surroundings. There, looking at me from beside the bush, (a broom length away) were two very awake raccoons. These weren't baby raccoons (ashamed as I am to be a farm girl and having to resort to calling anything "baby this", I have no idea what to call baby raccoons). No, these were big boys, or girls. So, I did what any rational person would do. I slammed the door and yelled at my husband. I believe it was something along the lines of, "holy crap, there are two huge raccoons outside". I didn't, shall we say, use my inside 3 a.m. voice.

He came down.

We both had never seen them so tame, and we peeked outside, but of course couldn't see anything. We still had the dumb cats to deal with. So I focused and opened the door to complete my original mission.

I was surprised, I really was, one of those beasts was back on the doorstep! On the rug! Right in front of the door! And this time he didn't scamper immediately, I may have beat him getting the door closed. He didn't look as if he were foaming at the mouth (yet) but I think he eyed my foot in a weird way, so I assume he thought it looked tasty. I did just get my toenails painted, so that may have, in fact, added to the meal appeal.

Now, I have seen raccoons, but most of them have been laying on the road. I have seen plenty of nocturnal animals, but they have always been running in the opposite direction. Except for the opossum, he just laid there. (seriously) However, I can now say with some degree of confidence, that here in the burbs, that they are more comfortable with people and porch lights than where I came from. So, (obviously) we choose the lesser of two evils. We locked the door, I got the baby monitor hooked up, we cranked that fan back up and crawled into bed.

It's groundhogs by day, and coons by night.

twas the night before...

2008-05-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

so tonight is the big packing night. need i say blah? i am worn out today. this morning we went to Deanna Rose, and this afternoon a friend came and hung out. it doesn't take much for these gals to get wiped out. at least one has the excuse that she is only 15 months old.

the upcoming weekend is memorial day. in high school, we were all in band. i played the french horn, and trumpet for marching, jazz, and pep. we were usually let out of school the week before, on wednesday, and we would have to show up on sunday and march. most of us acted like we didn't like it, because school was out, but i think we really did. i did anyway. it was such a gateway into the summer, such a tradition.

my parents would come to the parade, and afterwards our whole family would pack up a lunch and go to a little lake that is seven miles north of the house. we had a canoe that we brought, and soon graduated to a little two man sailboat. the afternoon would be spent relaxing on the water, or in lawn chairs, or playing catch. all of us had played softball (or baseball), and we would be sure to take our gloves along. my grandpa played some mean catch, after all, he was only in his 80's. my siblings and i all had friends who lived on this lake, so sometimes we would sneak off to see them, and sometimes they would come by to say hi.

it's just one of those things that is different now. i don't know exactly what it is, what's changed. i suppose it is all of us, we have all changed. i have been gone for eight years, and in eight years, we have all changed. i miss it though. i want it to be that way. in my mind, i think that if we just went back to the lake again, it could be the same. we could have the relaxing day, the one etched in my mind. it can't be though, and it's kind of sad. you can recreate the situation, but you can't recreate the past.

memories are such a powerful tool, i think. they carry your happiness. they keep alive the things that are aren't really alive anymore. often times, the temptation comes over me to think of those times with sadness, of the disappointment. the disappointment that i didn't know that the last time would be the last time. in the movie, you always know when it is the last time, and they make a big deal about it, like carve a tree or something (ok, i'm being hokey). disappointment that we were all such different people, and we won't ever be those people again. frustration even, that it seems like those things are not being replaced with newer versions, instead they are just sort of being pushed out, slipping away, and we're not putting up a fight. no one is fighting.

but i don't think that is the right way to look at it. i think things will always change, and they might get worse, or they might get better. maybe they are just different, and how are we ever to judge? but the things i have filed away, those should just be allowed to be, not to be disturbed or distorted, or compared. they are then, and then was, then. i must push myself to be able to simply look back and smile, to appreciate how much fun we had. i am getting there. i am training myself to find contentment for what it was, and who we were.

groggy monday

2008-05-19T08:49:00.000-05:00

There are times when I want to sit down with Emma and explain some things for her. Reason with her, and shape her little will to mine. Today is one of those days. I would kindly explain that the night is for sleeping, and although I understand completely how frustrating it can be to wake up and have a hard time getting back to sleep, the correct behavior is not to yell about it. There will be no yelling before 7:00. Unfortunately, there is no such luck. I have to just stick it out. It's hard to be truly upset with the little thing, she is so sweet and lovable, lucky for her. Between her and my crazy pregnant body, I may have some very restless nights. Oh well, I can always get up at 4:30, have some cereal and read a little of my husband's magazine. So many things I have to be thankful for, cereal, air conditioning, Tylenol, and a whiny daughter to keep me in line.

My husband rocks. I must have won the cosmic lottery to have claimed him. He made me eggs on Sunday as I slept in, out of exhaustion, not pampering (that was last weekend), and brought them to me. And as I came downstairs, I see the coffee :) He doesn't even drink coffee. I hope I am able to love people like he loves me.

A few weeks ago our vacuum died. So yesterday we went vacuum shopping. There is little chance that I am going to pay for a vacuum that costs nearly what our couch did, unless it is guaranteed to add years to my life or sleep to my nights. That narrowed it down a bit. We found one that has the option of popping the canister out and carrying it, so you can do your stairs, or tights areas, or whatever. We went back and forth a little bit, because it was quite a price difference. But I have heard a few people say if you get the cheapest one, you'll have to get a new one anyway. And a well timed phone call came, and it was confirmed that the canister option was worth it. We loaded it up, we carted it around, and we brought it home.

When I was in fifth grade, we got a new kitchen. My parents live in a farm house that is a hundred years old or so. We moved into this house while my grandpa was still living there, and although many renovations had been made, he was a simple man who lived, well, a simple life. I distinctly remember laundry day with my mom and my brother. The washer was an automatic, but it didn't have a spin cycle. It must have been 30, 40, 50 years old. So the clothes would wash, then you would put them in a big tub, and the was a ringer that you used to ring out the water. Some car washes have them for your shammies. After the ringing was done, we would hang them on the clothes line to dry, because there was no dryer. He must have had an indoor clothesline for the winter, but I don't remember that as well. He was simple.

So the kitchen was equally inadequate for a family. There was this weird green carpet, and a little sink on a stainless steel counter, and a table against one wall. I don't know that there were any cupboards or real storage. A big pantry is located right off the kitchen, so I suppose he kept everything in there. After a time living there, the time had come to update. So, out went the sink, in came some cupboards, and a new fridge. And, alas, the weird green carpet was replaced with a beautiful laminate floor. We had it delivered, and it was a big day when the men carried it in and sat it in front of our couch (which we won't discuss here). My father put it in, with the help of his children, and my grandpa, I suppose. I don't remember a lot of that, other than a blue line that was put on the floor by a long string that came out of a thing like a tape measure, and you would stretch it way out and then snap it, and the line would appear, showing them where to cut. It was truly a work of art.

So months later, christmas came. Although we never really celebrated christmas, we usually got a few gifts. I think my parents were really conscious of not wanting us to feel odd when we went back to school. There was this long package for me. It was wrapped and standing upright, leaning against the buffet in the dining room. I was a bright girl, and it didn't take me long to figure out what it was. Oh, they knew me well! I humored them, of course, and went along with the ritual of "what can it be?", "what is it?", "just tell me!". I "settled" on a pogo stick, yes, it must be a pogo stick. Of course, when the time came, I acted very surprised when I opened it, and found a new mop. A brand new nice mop for the beautiful floor. Now, it was of course a gag gift, meant to get a few laughs. But I really liked it! I have always had a little mutation that allows me to enjoy cleaning, and things being clean. So on this day, I was tickled to get a mop for "my" new floor. I would bet I didn't go to school and announce that I had gotten a mop, however.

That feeling of delight was revisited when our new vacuum arrived in our living room. Although I had decided that Sunday night was no time to vacuum, it wasn't much time before I dug into the box, put it together, and took it for a test drive. Oh, it was glorious. The brush that is so strong that it feels self-propelled, the light (that I once scoffed at) that allows you to see into the dark and dirty corners, that raw power of clean. Nothing prepared me for the canister though. I popped that baby out and went for the stairs, and I vacuumed them with such elation! Because my husband was still outside busy with something, I took my new apparatus to the garage and embarked on the van. I'm telling you, there is little else like the feeling of really cleaning, and seeing the results. I folded seats, I moved jumper cables, I crouched, I stretched, I found a tape measure belonging to my father-in-law, hidden away. (Both an excitement, and a feeling of uh-oh, we thought we didn't have that) I momentarily forgot I was carrying a child. The van, the van is very clean too.

So I am reminded of the days of youth, when I would get so bent out of shape when I had just mopped the floor and some lug would come trampling dirt, or muck, all the way across it. I believe some siblings of mine would remember those days also, although they may have a different rendition of it entirely.

none

2008-05-15T13:16:00.000-05:00

today is my husband's birthday. i made him some brownies, and we are having pizza for supper. it's fun to take care of the people you love. i enjoy all the times that allow you to look back and reminisce about the time that has passed, as well as look to the future, and try to imagine what we will be thinking next year.

one year ago, jess started his job. i seem to remember him starting on his birthday, but it may have been the day before. we had a very small baby, she would have been close to three months old. we moved at the beginning of may, so we would have been here for a couple of weeks. we were looking forward to the memorial day weekend, when our Seattleites would come to visit, and would meet our little one for the first time! i was exploring our new city, and learning where all the essentials were, like target, and barnes and noble. it was all so fresh and new, it was as though we were starting our lives as grown ups.

one year from now, we'll have two babe's. we'll be continuing to get ever closer to turning the big...well, you know. jess will have been at his job for two years, and i'll have been at home for that long. all of our siblings will be married. our Seattleites will be closer to completing masters, and will be oh so smart. jess might be looking at bikes, or maybe already have one.

our baby will be two and a half in a year. eek! i can handle babies. i don't know about actual children, much less toddlers. they're easier when you can sit them down, and the look at the ceiling fan and think it's miraculous...there goes an hour or so. this business of teaching them things, and parenting them, that kind of freaks me out. i haven't taken any classes or anything! ;) it's a good think emma is tough, the oldest probably gets the brunt of it. then the youngest comes along and breezes through, no problem. ahh...it's fun to be the youngest.

i am exhausted. i believe the laundry in the dryer will take a rain check, and the dishes will enjoy their place on the counter, and this lady is going to take a nap.

just pop the top

2008-05-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

As if there were any doubt that these babes are little sponges! Next, we mop... ;)

and the rain came down

2008-05-07T13:27:00.000-05:00

These are pictures from last week, before the big storm. I didn't think that they would turn out, but I'm pretty impressed. These are actually taken by my awesome husband, who is really quite the photographer these days.

monday monday

2008-05-05T13:55:00.001-05:00

This weekend was good.

I got two new pairs of shoes last week. I tell you what, it feels pretty luxurious. One pair of running shoes, one black pair of dress. On Saturday we went shopping for me, and found a dress for me to wear for the upcoming wedding. It is amazing how stressed out I was getting. If only I could go in black lounge pants and a nice t-shirt...and of course my new kicks.

I am tired today. I feel like I shouldn't be, but am.

I had a doctor appointment today. Everything was good. After my next one, I will go every other week. Today I was measured for the first time! I think I am 24 centimeters, whatever I am, it was right on track. The heart sounds good, and everything is ok. The next visit I will do the glucose test, which I am not looking forward to. Last time I did two in the office before they sent me to do the three hour one. Ugh. I hope I don't have to do that again. This time I will get to get blood drawn in the morning, which may help. The blood lady is this awesome black lady who told a story about how she took her kid down, or something. She was pretty funny, in a no nonsense way. She did a really good job though. In Lincoln, the people who drew blood were young peep's who didn't do such a good job. So it sucks when you have to get stuck four times, and they aren't especially smooth.

I have had some introspective days lately. They are kind of hard for me, sometimes I just want to forget about all the things I think about. Usually something starts me thinking, and I really have to work through it. I am learning to accept that there are things that I really want to change, but am just not going to be able to. I am trying to figure out the way to be gracious, and forgiving, and loving, and mature. It is hard to be those things when you have things that you hang on to, not because you are out for revenge or full of spite, but because they have almost become a part of your identity. After you get offended, or hurt, or whatever, so many times, you learn that is how it is going to be, and you just have to deal with it. I just have parts of my life that aren't how they should be, and it isn't my fault, but that is how it is. So I need to figure out how to allow God to fill that part of me, and be the best I can be, for me, for my husband, and for my family. My kids don't need to inherit my baggage.

Emma has her asthma kicking in again. I wonder if allergies can cause that to act up. It isn't as bad as it was when she was little, but she gets these fits that I hate to listen to. I feel so bad for her. We give her a breathing treatment and that seems to help. It makes me grateful for the medical care we have available. Without her treatments, I hate to think how bad she would cough.

Last week we had storms. There were a few tornadoes, and very strong wind. We got some good pictures of the sky before it hit, I'll have to put them up.

the orange...

2008-04-29T17:34:00.000-05:00

This was our project a few weeks ago. It was fun and spontaneous! We had talked about it, and decided that we should go for it. The yellow bedspread I had, along with the pink flowery sheets, didn't quite go, so I got to get new bed stuff too! What a deal! We are really happy with it, it's probably my favorite room. I thought orange would be hard to pull off, but I think it is better than the blue, and I would definitely do it again!

Will someone please push me?

2008-04-29T17:13:00.000-05:00

This is on Sat, the other two are from Tue. I am exercising some humility (ok, maybe just swallowing my pride) and letting you hear me laugh like a big dork.

You will be good friends with this little girl if you give her a push.

Car time

2008-04-29T16:54:00.000-05:00

We gave her a ride this weekend, and she is crazy about this car. She has learned that she can scoot around by herself, although she isn't quite tall enough for it to be very productive. But she enjoys herself a lot! This is just a little dancing time.

I can't turn it the right way, which I know is annoying. Sorry!