today

My last few weeks -ok, maybe months- has been a journey of intense emotion. There are obviously many moments of great joy, and pride, and contentedness. These little peanuts create a place in the world for me, and it's a place that I dearly love.

However, there are also times when I am on the doorstep of having a complete breakdown. A few close members of my "holy crap, what am I going to do" club will attest that I have also knocked on the door a few times. Luckily, Complete Breakdown wasn't in at the time, so I got up, brushed myself off and went about my day.

Mostly, this comes from the little guy, he just doesn't sleep very well. A rational me would be, well, rational about the whole thing. But, the sleep-deprived, hungry for dairy, behind-on-life me tends to get really worked up about it. The nights are hard. But then the days that follow can be worse. I just don't have enough to give, enough energy, patience, or attention, and it shows. Emma whines, Owen cries, and I watch the clock.

I believe that it will get better. But, please ,tell me about a time in your life when someone said that to you, and it actually made you feel better right now. Not that it isn't nice to hear, a little perspective goes a long way. It's just hard to push aside all these thoughts and driving emotions. I feel really guilty on the days when I am not totally in love with this crying baby. He is my little guy, and I do love him. But there are days when I just have had it up to here. I feel like I am doing a job that is not up to par, I am not passing the test. Something is wrong, and I'm not fixing it. I feel sad that I don't have the energy to actively pursue relationships like I should, for me, but more so for Emma. She is getting to the age that she loves to socialize. I choose to stay home, therefor, it's part of my job to make sure she gets that. So yes, it will be easier someday, but today is hard.

Of course, God has blessed me with many wonderful people who provide me with a shoulder to complain on, a source of endless love, forgiveness, and patience, and even some comical relief.

Today, I reached out for some good advice and needed perspective, and got both. I was also tickled pink to hear my straight-laced, clean mouthed perspective giver read something to me that included a word that I thought I would die before I ever heard come out of her mouth.She read exactly what I needed to hear at the moment, and I was so thrilled that the naughty word was not turned into an abbreviation or a letter, it was the whole she-bang.

So, as I wind down at the end of a long day, I am once again reminded of all I have to be thankful for. A house that is warm, and heat that we can pay for. An incredible relationship with a man who is more patient that anyone should have to be. Beautiful children who make me smile, who forgive me when I'm not perfect mommy, and who are healthy and strong. And for these people who I can call in distress, who will cuss properly.