so long

it's hard to believe we have been here for over two months now. i already forget what it's like to be pregnant.

one last diaper change before we go

and a drink for the road :)

6 weeks in

I believe that God is gracious. He helps me in many ways, and yesterday was without exception.

Six weeks. I just had to make it to six weeks, and it will be easier. The last six weeks have been challenging at times. They have been wonderful at times, and they have certainly been tiring, all the time. But yesterday was the six weeks of going into labor. True, technically the baby wasn't six weeks old yet, but I'll take it.

Yesterday was a really good day.

Six weeks ago, I took my wedding ring off in the van on the way home from the city. The very next day I went into labor. I didn't remember to move it. It was in a bad place. It got lost.

I lost my wedding ring.

Not ok.

I first noticed on the way home from the hospital. We looked everywhere. I called the hospital twice, my husband called once, and I stopped in once. I gave up, and it stunk. I really thought that somehow it would turn up.

So it was really hard for me. And I have had some time to try to figure out why.

It isn't the monetary value. It's minimal. It wasn't my engagement ring, just the wedding band.

True, it is just a ring and can be easily replaced. But the actual ring was what my husband gave to me on our actual wedding day. That can't be replaced. It isn't necessarily the day that it symbol0ized. The day was great, but let's be honest. If you were Bill Murray (Groundhog's day!) and had to live one day over and over again, would it really be your wedding day? Mine was simple but it was still tiring. So it isn't just the day.

It's the moment when this man, who I love so much, became mine forever. This is the guy that I tried so hard to convince myself would just be a good friend before we started dating, this is the guy who I moved away from, then drove 8 hours to see way too often, and talked to every day for a year. He became more to me, in that moment. We became forever. The ring didn't do that, but it reminds me.

So I was devastated.

Yesterday, at the magic six week mark, my remarkable husband replaced it. I told him that it couldn't be just a shopping day that we picked it up, it needed to be special. And he made it so. Although the first one can't really be replaced, it has been.

And I'm not going to lose it.

Also yesterday, I gave Owen gas drops through the day, and he was so much better in the evening. It was the first time in many weeks that we were both able to be doing things to get ready for supper without holding him. He sat nicely as we all ate. Then he went into the swing, which he has hated since he was about two weeks old, and fell asleep while Emma took a bath. I was ecstatic. I vacuumed at 7:00 p.m. It was glorious. I think I am going to give him gas drops, and stop giving him the acid reflux medication, and see what happens. It was hard to get him to sleep, but I finally did at 11, or somewhere in there, and he slept until 4:30. 4:30!!!! So, six weeks to the day, and he slept longer than he ever has. The chains of sleep deprivation are loosening.

Also...Emma and I were romping around, and I plunked her down on the couch and bent over to quiet Owen. I heard a gasp and looked under my legs from my football stance and watched my darling daughter fall head first onto the floor from the couch. She cried. It was a cry that took a long time to come out. We just watched her as her face got redder and redder, and then the flood gates opened. Not that I blame her. It would have been the same for me. I scooped her up and was holding her and hugging her and telling her that I was really sorry and that she was going to be ok. But she insisted that she needed daddy. She pushed off of me and lunged into his outstretched arms, and there they held on to each other. Slowly she calmed down. One may think that this doesn't fit into my great day, but it does.

I have been dreading that day for months. Every toddler has falls and spills, and she has not had near her fair share. So it came, and she didn't break her neck (which is a real concern of mine) or get a concussion (which could really happen, right?) or shed any blood (which freaks me out every time). She fell, she cried, she got on with life.

Then this morning she said her "ABC's" again, though still with the exception of "l" and "w", and "brushed" her teeth for the first time. She spent a lot of time biting the toothbrush and couldn't really spit, but enjoyed the process of trying.

It is really beginning to feel like life again. I have left my house twice this week with no kids. I went for a jog and didn't worry or feel guilty the entire time. I am caught up with our laundry. The carpet is clean and most of the other odd and end things are done. I feel like I am doing better during the days. I am learning to be a mom to two.

And it feels like life.

a makeover

i spent too long updating my blog today. it was really fun.

in my defense, i had a fussy baby who had to be tended too, so it isn't as if i could have done much else.

well, maybe a few things ;)

today emma repeated almost the entire alphabet. she got stuck on "l", and kept saying "boo" instead. she also had trouble with "w", but by that time she was getting kind of silly anyway.

so she may not be a prodigy after all. ;)

that would look great in your yard

they both love their pizza

if she shares his love of horrible science fiction, particularly from the late 70's era, i am seriously in trouble.

we're all snugglie and tired.

now, i think that the joy of owning, is being able to decorate. i believe these folks believe that is the case as well...

is there a house under there somewhere?

that's all folks

this is me

i looked up my strength finder the other day. always fun to share

1. arranger
2. developer
3. optimistic
4. empathy
5. belief

emma is sitting here being good. she got my spoon from my cereal, and i didn't notice. i look over and see her using it, very well, to eat her shredded wheat crumbs from her own bowl. she put all the big chunks into my bowl, ate her crumbs, and is now putting the chunks back into her bowl. i'll share the dramatic conclusion next time.

it is getting colder all the time. i don't know what we will find to do in the winter days. i suspect i will take a few drives to occupy us.

we went out to eat on saturday, and emma had about two breadsticks, two pieces of pizza, and half of a cinna stick. it looked like she hadn't eaten for days. so she was full!

i suppose

it's time to start potty training.

i have no idea what i'm doing.

any suggestions?

i have heard several tips about how to do things, and not to do things, as you progress, but what is the first step?

emma now says "owen" very clearly. she says hi baby owen, and baby owen, and owen. she's a cutie.

i got her a doll stroller and a little carseat, and she likes them both. it is really fun to be able to be a mom to a little girl. it's getting to paint her toenails, and "put" powder on her, it's the girly things. and every little girl wants things for her baby. that was our big adventure on monday, going to walmart in the rain, and getting toys. it was fun.

i really enjoy this job...it's tiring, and hard, and who knew a promotion makes your life busier, rather than cushier. but yes, i love this job. :)

so i had a baby, and this model walked in and wanted to take a picture with me! i obviously said, "ok, but you can't take the baby with you".

ok, are you sure we don't need any type of licensing to do this?

her first juice box!

she sure was a big help as we moved

she is a breeze to go anywhere with. she just gets her purse, and her baby, and she's ready!

time

oh boy...
it's been a long while since i actually sat and thought, and wrote. these are golden times for me. it's an outlet, and i love it. there are dishes to do, and food to make, and a grocery list that could be started, but sometimes i just need to sit and be by myself, and not feel like i need to be crossing something off this list. because, the list will never, ever, ever, be done :)

there have been many instances in the last weeks that i have thought, "now there's a good topic for my blog", and have been disappointed that i just couldn't get here. i wish i could hook up a line into my head, and just think, and have that be blogging. kind of spooky and futuristic, but efficient and handy too.

yesterday, i was sitting down, and had the baby in the car seat, and emma was more interested in him than in me, or any toys. she had been playing with a few little things, and when i brought the baby in and sat him down, she picked something up and showed him, and said some things, and really wanted to include him. she kind of bent down, and was really happy to be near him. and it really made me gooey inside. i immediately thought of all the times in scripture where a child's heart is referred to. coming to him as little children. there it was, right in front of me. she doesn't have the weight of adult sin, the greed, the selfishness, the lack of forgiveness. she is innocent, a child of such infinite love and sincerity, it is really remarkable to watch. of course she has her imperfections, as all people do (no matter what size), but she is such a sweet little lady. just sweet. and no matter how small her little heart is, it has room for a lot of love. lots.

i saw pictures of us together before i had owen. and it really made me miss her. it's so weird to say that, because i spend every day with her. but it's the times that i knew i would miss that i miss. i miss her and i sitting on the floor, and her leaning against my big belly. i miss us walking, and me being able to get her in and out however many times she wanted. i miss going to the store and it being a big adventure, and letting her see new things, and try new things, and touch new things, and everything being able to happen with no time table, with no interruptions. i miss her, because as strange as it is, she has really changed in the last month. she plays by herself more, she comforts herself more, and is comforted more easily (for the most part). she simply handles herself more and more like a little girl, and less and less like a baby. but i miss my baby. i feel like a bird (a big bird, but we'll get to that later, if at all) who has to push her little bird out of the nest. and even though "our little emma" has shown me that she is ok, and she is happy, and she loves this little baby, and she loves me and her dad and her days. even though she is thriving and learning and growing, i still don't feel like it is time yet. i know she's ok, but it doesn't feel time yet. i guess i might feel like that no matter the age she is, she'll always be in a stage, always changing and growing, constantly leaving behind the things that linked her to her smaller and younger self. she'll be my little emma for a long time.

i am learning too emma, it's hard for me too.

i sit and i cry. this is good therapy, and although it is not free, it is cheap.

i think i remember feeling a lot of the same things with the first birth.

i feel like i am never going to fit into my clothes. i struggle to get anywhere out of our house, it takes at least half an hour from the point of, ok, let's really get ready, to when i can actually step out the door. i am resentful of the oddest things, i am bitter at the oddest things, and i have a hard time thinking that this will ever feel normal, and it will ever feel like life again. added in, of course, is this whole moving business. i wonder if this will ever feel like home, and i tell myself that of course it will. one doesn't live somewhere for years without it becoming home. but right now, it doesn't really feel like home, not truly. it feels like we live here and are settled and are content. we are. but it's not home yet.

i miss my time. i have 24 hours that are suddenly more precious than anything. i have four people so split them with, but must subtract sleeping time. so i don't have a lot to work with here. i miss my husband, and i miss our time. i miss being able to go to the gym (they had child care and cable, don't give me too many points). i miss target. how lame am i? how horrible and materialistic and shallow, how childish and immature and, did i already say lame? lame says so much. how whatever am i, but i miss target.

i miss my quality time with my husband.

i miss time.

the birth of a baby is supposed to be this joyous occasion, and this incredibly happy time. and of course it is. but it is also the loss of other things, some return, others are gone forever. i think it's ok to feel sad, and ok to feel isolated and lonely. i think it's ok to feel like it is hard, because it is. i don't think it's ok to feel like that forever, but for now, i think it's ok.

some snapshots

some fun tummy time. emma loves this baby. she really enjoys when she gets to hug him, and lay by him, and pat him. it's pretty cute


















emma also enjoys her bath time, and tolerates her mother making her look weird. this picture will be a classic for years to come :)
















the baby. she eats, she sleeps, she is cared for by emma. sometimes she gets slammed into the floor in a bout of excitement, but no serious head injuries have been reported to date.


that's some fun weekend time right there.