here i am

the moby wrap...it's worth every penny i paid for it. it's a long piece of fabric that you wrap around you, and you can hold your baby several different ways. he likes it, which is also a bonus. this was the first time i used it, on our first walk. ahh...

this was the first outing to the store. i talked with my m.i.l. in the van, and discussed how to proceed from that point. hmm... i'll keep you posted

i knew they had carts designed just for me. but i was not prepared for them. i spied three just inside the door, parked, on the opposite side from all the regular carts. i looked at these things, and noted the size difference, and just sighed.

this is going to be different. this is the stage i am in. no glitz or dresses or dressy clothes, no more running in and out of a store, no driving normal carts. no more adorable child who everyone comments on. now, i drive a tank, and am one of the people who you may try to politely ignore in the store, as i maneuver past you with inches to spare, trying desperately to keep order.

so, as with many moments in my life, especially lately,i paused, and tried to internalize the change.

life happens so gradually, i just have a hard time understanding when i became a mom of two, a lady who wears a lot of lounge clothes. when did anything that gets me out of the house past 7 p.m. become an adventure?

so this is my moment, captured forever. taking it well, don't you think?

but, needless to say, i am very happy. am i tired? oh man. am i overwhelmed, and nervous? :) am i full of ups and downs, and "fragile"? holy cow. yes, i am flooded with emotions, ranging from feelings of accomplishment to grave disappointments, times of incredible patience and times when i am sure that my hair will be in my hand before the clock strikes again.

joy, and frustration.

yet, i'm happy!

happy times

the simple things in life...this was after my husband and i discussed toys, and the necessity, or lack of, them. so emma played with kitchen stuff for hours. :)
once again, simple pleasures. she has one of the diaper wipe containers and loves it.
snoozing
my loves
yo dog

the great day

the new family
the new babe...this was when he was in the warmer still, less than an hour old
the birthday. stylish hospital attire
cute little hospital gear for him though!

The new big sister! She loves the baby.

Meet our baby!

Last Thursday, I had a baby boy. I went into labor on my own, which was good. I kind of thought I was going into labor, but wasn't quite sure, and the previous day I had thought I was too. So, on Thursday, I went to ShopKo with two of the best people ever. I had a pretty good contraction in the car on the way, and thought that they were probably getting stronger. Then as we wandered in the store, I had a couple more, and one when I was checking out. I really had to focus to keep a straight face. I decided I better sit in the car for the next stop. We were on our way to destination #2 and I had a good one, and the driver read my mind, for she said, "maybe we should drop you off at home." Good idea.

The labor went really fast. I was really surprised by how quickly I progressed, and how strong the contractions were. They never really went away, so it was hard work. I pushed for almost two hours before the doctor said that despite their patience, my hard work, and trying the vacuum, this baby wasn't coming out. So, c-section it was.

It was much different than the first time. They weren't very caring, but I guess it's the health of the baby that is important, rather than the comfort of emotional state of the mom. Nevertheless, it wasn't very pleasant.

I finally got to hold him at about 6:30 a.m. on Friday morning, about 10 hours after checking in, and two hours after the delivery. It was definitely love at first sight. All the worries I had about being able to love him enough, or anxiety about being able to physically care for two children, all of that was replaced by this overwhelming sense of joy, and accomplishment, and love. Meeting for the first time was just an amazing experience.

His name is Owen Nicholas. He was 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. He is a good baby.

Emma really likes the new baby. She pats him very gently and says, "nice". She is concerned when he cries and is eager to look at him, and it will be fun when she can hold him.

So it's been a crazy week. Everyone is adjusting really well. He sleeps well and doesn't cry unless there is something wrong. So, the family is happy and healthy :)

one of these days..

today i woke up with something like false labor. it lasted for a couple of hours. it's hard not to feel dumb, because you feel like you were playing hooky or something. so i made my husband stay home, and it was a big deal, and ended up to be nothing.

i'm having such different emotions, so up and down. i am ready, and excited.

i can't imagine being able to have the same relationship with a child that i do with emma. i don't understand how this will work. when she needs me, it's all i want to do, just make her ok. i want to cuddle her and help her and comfort her. when she's happy, we hang out and play, and she discovers things and we get excited together. it's almost like a loss in a sense. i am losing this time, and although it will be just as good, i'm sure (at least in time), it will never be like it is right now. so i spend some time just thinking about that, and just holding her close, and soaking up the moments that it's just like it is. different isn't always bad, many times it is good. but i think it's always hard to think about the future with pure thoughts, not speckled with anxiety or hesitation. i wonder when that changes. does it ever change? will i ever learn, will i ever have enough trust, will i ever be able to just go forward and know, really know, that it will be ok, and that i don't have to have everything perfectly figured out. i wonder.

so, on we go. another day...

monday monday

well, no baby. i am four days over now. i am trying to enjoy myself, and remember that a newborn is hard work, so i should relish the time i have now. it's really hard to do though. if i didn't know that i was due four days ago, it wouldn't be so bad. maybe the doctors shouldn't tell you when your due date is. it should just be between them and the chart.