Our anniversary was on Tuesday. My husband surprised me with a fun weekend away. On Saturday his parents arrived at our house to stay with the Emma, and we headed to the city. We dropped off the baby with his cousin and had a few hours completely alone. It was, fantastic! After a very nice dinner we retrieved our bundle of joy (or crabbiness) and checked into a hotel. We had a wonderful time lounging and getting our HGTV fix.
It was such an awesome surprise. He never fails to amaze me. I am very lucky to have him, he's a catch!
I have been remembering some of the lessons I have had. A handful of examples...
~ people have different definitions of numerous things. simple things, such as when the toilet paper is really gone, is subjective. act accordingly.
~ when something is wrong, and he asks, "what's wrong", he really does know that something is wrong. so insisting that nothing is wrong is an insult to his intelligence. just answer truthfully, for pete's sake.
~ luke skywalker's history. maybe his dad isn't such a bad guy after all.
~ we are each other's biggest fan. if that ever changes, we'll need to change it back.
~ i don't need to be martha stewart to be a good wife. i need to let him have his own expectations of me.
~ the things that you read about men in magazines or on MSN are rarely true. if you have a question, just ask him. if you assume the things you read are true and follow the "rules" they give, he may eventually think you are really weird and will want you to return to normal.
~ there is nothing better than married life.
~ how to give a haircut.
~ how to ask for forgiveness, although i don't do this nearly enough.
~ men aren't women. they will never be women. don't treat them like women. we don't want them to be women. if you want to talk to a woman, call a woman.
~ how to move.
and finally,
~ no matter what happens in my life, my husband is a soft place for me to fall. a place where there is no judgement, no harsh words and no "i told you so's".
12.18.2008
12.12.2008
Earlier this week, I was thinking about the last year. I remember some particular things that really bothered me a year ago, on a very consistent basis. I have been so frustrated that I would pray and pray and pray, and didn't ever feel the earth shattering answer I wanted so badly. Nothing seemed to change.
But it did.
I have got to learn, apparently more than one time, that the things I want are within myself. The answer to better relationships, and the sadness that I carry, is my learning to act with grace. I have to learn to let other people be less than who I want them to be. I have to. I may want more or different or better, but that really isn't very relevant.
So in the past year, I can see how my attitude has began to change and my heart has began to soften. I can learn to disagree gracefully, to forgive regularly, and let it be how it is. Just enjoy it for what it is.
I really thought I had come a long way. The very next day I had a conversation that showed me maybe I haven't come that far after all. But I am trying, I really am.
I saw a quote a few weeks ago. The exact phrase escapes me, but the point of it is that every person is going through something big in their life. So even though you don't know what it is, you still can be gracious towards them. There are some relationships in my life that I wish I could fix. I wish I could change things that I just can't change. Even though I get really angry sometimes, I think that I am beginning to see things in a different perspective.
I have also realized that a lack of sleep really does strange things to my brain. Things make sense inside, but don't always come out in a way that makes as much sense. So excuse my rambling.
But it did.
I have got to learn, apparently more than one time, that the things I want are within myself. The answer to better relationships, and the sadness that I carry, is my learning to act with grace. I have to learn to let other people be less than who I want them to be. I have to. I may want more or different or better, but that really isn't very relevant.
So in the past year, I can see how my attitude has began to change and my heart has began to soften. I can learn to disagree gracefully, to forgive regularly, and let it be how it is. Just enjoy it for what it is.
I really thought I had come a long way. The very next day I had a conversation that showed me maybe I haven't come that far after all. But I am trying, I really am.
I saw a quote a few weeks ago. The exact phrase escapes me, but the point of it is that every person is going through something big in their life. So even though you don't know what it is, you still can be gracious towards them. There are some relationships in my life that I wish I could fix. I wish I could change things that I just can't change. Even though I get really angry sometimes, I think that I am beginning to see things in a different perspective.
I have also realized that a lack of sleep really does strange things to my brain. Things make sense inside, but don't always come out in a way that makes as much sense. So excuse my rambling.
12.09.2008
today
it is very cold out, and snowy too. i don't think we'll be going anywhere. emma got a new hat last week, with some matching mittens. she actually wears the hat, which is definitely progress. i think she realizes that it keeps her warm.
yesterday she discovered the goodness of cinnamon and sugar toast. it was a hit, she had two full pieces, for a snack.
i am going to do a lot of laundry today. it feels good to clean up while your house is somewhat toasty, and it's freezing out.
our anniversary is next week already. somehow it snuck up on us. someday i think it would be fun to take a train ride for our anniversary, like in alaska. but not this year, we'll be dining out somewhere local. it's not quite as much fun when i can't have anything dairy, but i'll manage. this is the first anniversary that i won't be pregnant. that makes it feel like a longer time, us being married.
we're done with snack time. off i go....
yesterday she discovered the goodness of cinnamon and sugar toast. it was a hit, she had two full pieces, for a snack.
i am going to do a lot of laundry today. it feels good to clean up while your house is somewhat toasty, and it's freezing out.
our anniversary is next week already. somehow it snuck up on us. someday i think it would be fun to take a train ride for our anniversary, like in alaska. but not this year, we'll be dining out somewhere local. it's not quite as much fun when i can't have anything dairy, but i'll manage. this is the first anniversary that i won't be pregnant. that makes it feel like a longer time, us being married.
we're done with snack time. off i go....
12.05.2008
the babes are big
While she was entertaining herself one day, I thought she was being pretty quite. So I popped around the corner and found her plucking Sam, our beloved house plant. He's doing well, I am happy to report.
Two months...
He may outgrow his stroller quickly
Don't worry, she's a really good driver.
I like her daddy's hat too :)We went for check-ups this week. M is almost 24 lbs, and Owen is 12. No wonder I keep saying he is getting heavy in his car seat.
11.13.2008
My Top Ten Favorite Products
1.Tide- I love Tide! I don't know what I was thinking before I tried it. If you haven't, seriously, it's worth it. It gets out any stain. Even things that had even been washed and dried came clean. I can not say enough good things about Tide...
2. ALL free and clear-unfortunately, Emma is allergic to Tide :) So this is a fantastic substitute. To be fair, I haven't tried to get out anything as tough as I did with Tide, so it might be just as good. It is actually probably a little better, because it doesn't irritate her skin.
3. Sally Hansen nail and cuticle pen- it was inexpensive, and it does a wonderful job of hydrating your cuticles and your nails at the same time. It comes in a tube that looks like a pen. You turn one end to get the product to come out the other. It is dispensed onto a little brush, so it is really mess free! The biggest reason I went for it though, is that you don't have to rinse it off, and you don't have to put it on and wait for 5 minutes. I must admit, I have even used it at red lights!
4. Vaseline healthy skin and nails-the best lotion ever.
5. Infant swings-what did they do without them? No wonder women died early, they were just so tired and stressed, that maybe an eternal rest didn't sound so bad...
6. A modern washer and dryer-ok, so I know there are very, very few people who use the old fashioned kind now. But, when we moved in with my grandpa, he has an old washer that had a motor to wash, but you still had to wring the clothes out after you rinsed them. And, (correct me if I'm wrong, dear siblings) but I am sure he did not have an electric dryer either. So we spent a lot of time doing laundry. Now, I only have four people to do laundry for, and I wash a load just about every other day. I cannot imagine how bad we would stink, how chapped my hands would be, and how tired and behind I would be without these modern conveniences. I think knowing that just a couple generations ago they did not have such a thing makes me appreciate it that much more.
7. Fruit of the vine-maybe this isn't technically a product. But, after a long hard day, when my stress level is through the roof, nothing beats a lovely glass of wine, or a cheap homemade margarita (the kind that comes in a big plastic bottle, with the name of a cheesy restaurant on it, and the tequila is already in it).
You know why there was so much "fellowship" in biblical times? It's because they had wine people! The story of water being turned into wine is a classic example. Jesus made more wine because he knew that without it, it wouldn't be nearly as fun. :)
8. Coffee- need I say more? This should probably be closer to the top of the list. Hmm...washer dryer vs. coffee.
washer dryer vs. coffee
tough call...
9. A computer-there are days when this is the only outside life I get. My sanity may be in perilous danger without it.
10. My camera-I am able to freeze time with the push of a button. I absolutely love to pull up a chair and flip through some old albums. I believe it's a luxury we take for granted. Once again, it wasn't so long ago when it wasn't so easy to take pictures, and not everyone had a camera.
The runner ups include a garage, chap stick, slippers, and the printing press.
:)
2. ALL free and clear-unfortunately, Emma is allergic to Tide :) So this is a fantastic substitute. To be fair, I haven't tried to get out anything as tough as I did with Tide, so it might be just as good. It is actually probably a little better, because it doesn't irritate her skin.
3. Sally Hansen nail and cuticle pen- it was inexpensive, and it does a wonderful job of hydrating your cuticles and your nails at the same time. It comes in a tube that looks like a pen. You turn one end to get the product to come out the other. It is dispensed onto a little brush, so it is really mess free! The biggest reason I went for it though, is that you don't have to rinse it off, and you don't have to put it on and wait for 5 minutes. I must admit, I have even used it at red lights!
4. Vaseline healthy skin and nails-the best lotion ever.
5. Infant swings-what did they do without them? No wonder women died early, they were just so tired and stressed, that maybe an eternal rest didn't sound so bad...
6. A modern washer and dryer-ok, so I know there are very, very few people who use the old fashioned kind now. But, when we moved in with my grandpa, he has an old washer that had a motor to wash, but you still had to wring the clothes out after you rinsed them. And, (correct me if I'm wrong, dear siblings) but I am sure he did not have an electric dryer either. So we spent a lot of time doing laundry. Now, I only have four people to do laundry for, and I wash a load just about every other day. I cannot imagine how bad we would stink, how chapped my hands would be, and how tired and behind I would be without these modern conveniences. I think knowing that just a couple generations ago they did not have such a thing makes me appreciate it that much more.
7. Fruit of the vine-maybe this isn't technically a product. But, after a long hard day, when my stress level is through the roof, nothing beats a lovely glass of wine, or a cheap homemade margarita (the kind that comes in a big plastic bottle, with the name of a cheesy restaurant on it, and the tequila is already in it).
You know why there was so much "fellowship" in biblical times? It's because they had wine people! The story of water being turned into wine is a classic example. Jesus made more wine because he knew that without it, it wouldn't be nearly as fun. :)
8. Coffee- need I say more? This should probably be closer to the top of the list. Hmm...washer dryer vs. coffee.
washer dryer vs. coffee
tough call...
9. A computer-there are days when this is the only outside life I get. My sanity may be in perilous danger without it.
10. My camera-I am able to freeze time with the push of a button. I absolutely love to pull up a chair and flip through some old albums. I believe it's a luxury we take for granted. Once again, it wasn't so long ago when it wasn't so easy to take pictures, and not everyone had a camera.
The runner ups include a garage, chap stick, slippers, and the printing press.
:)
11.03.2008
picture this
When I was an early teenager, I received call waiting for my birthday. I had been begging for it for a long time. It started with an incident when my dear mother lost track of time, and I waited for a long time to get picked up. Each time I called home I listened to that dumb busy signal, and I wasted no opportunity to recount this to my parents in an effort to bend their will to mine. Admittedly, I also wanted it so I could talk to as many people as possible in one sitting.
Close to my birthday, as I was sitting in the dining room talking on the phone, I noticed a beep. I didn't really think much about it. Later on that day the phone rand and it was my dad. He had news, the beepy phone call meant my wish had come true. Call waiting at last!
A few years later, my desire was for a phone in my own room. So, the relentless begging began, and ended with my dad telling me that if I helped, he would install a jack in my room. As one can imagine, I was ecstatic.
So, it doesn't take much effort to relate to the apple of my eye. I can easily see, as can you, that I have successfully passed on my love of the phone to her.
She loves that thumb!
She is a good mommy, most of the time. There are moments when she leaves baby behind as she takes the stroller for a spin. There are also times when she is careful to bring baby with her, then immediately hands her off to her dad or me. (at least she is responsible enough to find a babysitter) Everyone needs a break though, right?
Close to my birthday, as I was sitting in the dining room talking on the phone, I noticed a beep. I didn't really think much about it. Later on that day the phone rand and it was my dad. He had news, the beepy phone call meant my wish had come true. Call waiting at last!
A few years later, my desire was for a phone in my own room. So, the relentless begging began, and ended with my dad telling me that if I helped, he would install a jack in my room. As one can imagine, I was ecstatic.
So, it doesn't take much effort to relate to the apple of my eye. I can easily see, as can you, that I have successfully passed on my love of the phone to her.
She loves that thumb!
She is a good mommy, most of the time. There are moments when she leaves baby behind as she takes the stroller for a spin. There are also times when she is careful to bring baby with her, then immediately hands her off to her dad or me. (at least she is responsible enough to find a babysitter) Everyone needs a break though, right?
cousin play time
On Saturday, my husband's cousin (who is actually a double cousin, which I think is cool) came over with his wife and their two children. I don't know if the girls knew what to think of each other at first. They were each a little shy. But, after loading them up with pizza, and turning on some great toddler tunes, they decided this was fun. Claire hadn't quite made up her mind about dancing, but Emma went over to her and took her hand and coaxed her to the "dance floor". And they had a ball! Claire informed me that she was friends with Emma, but made sure to say that she was friends with her brother, Fisher, also. The girls are about 8 months apart, and they live only an hour away! So, I think we are all pretty excited that they can be good friends as they grow up.
10.23.2008
so long
it's hard to believe we have been here for over two months now. i already forget what it's like to be pregnant.
one last diaper change before we go
and a drink for the road :)
one last diaper change before we go
and a drink for the road :)
10.17.2008
6 weeks in
I believe that God is gracious. He helps me in many ways, and yesterday was without exception.
Six weeks. I just had to make it to six weeks, and it will be easier. The last six weeks have been challenging at times. They have been wonderful at times, and they have certainly been tiring, all the time. But yesterday was the six weeks of going into labor. True, technically the baby wasn't six weeks old yet, but I'll take it.
Yesterday was a really good day.
Six weeks ago, I took my wedding ring off in the van on the way home from the city. The very next day I went into labor. I didn't remember to move it. It was in a bad place. It got lost.
I lost my wedding ring.
Not ok.
I first noticed on the way home from the hospital. We looked everywhere. I called the hospital twice, my husband called once, and I stopped in once. I gave up, and it stunk. I really thought that somehow it would turn up.
So it was really hard for me. And I have had some time to try to figure out why.
It isn't the monetary value. It's minimal. It wasn't my engagement ring, just the wedding band.
True, it is just a ring and can be easily replaced. But the actual ring was what my husband gave to me on our actual wedding day. That can't be replaced. It isn't necessarily the day that it symbol0ized. The day was great, but let's be honest. If you were Bill Murray (Groundhog's day!) and had to live one day over and over again, would it really be your wedding day? Mine was simple but it was still tiring. So it isn't just the day.
It's the moment when this man, who I love so much, became mine forever. This is the guy that I tried so hard to convince myself would just be a good friend before we started dating, this is the guy who I moved away from, then drove 8 hours to see way too often, and talked to every day for a year. He became more to me, in that moment. We became forever. The ring didn't do that, but it reminds me.
So I was devastated.
Yesterday, at the magic six week mark, my remarkable husband replaced it. I told him that it couldn't be just a shopping day that we picked it up, it needed to be special. And he made it so. Although the first one can't really be replaced, it has been.
And I'm not going to lose it.
Also yesterday, I gave Owen gas drops through the day, and he was so much better in the evening. It was the first time in many weeks that we were both able to be doing things to get ready for supper without holding him. He sat nicely as we all ate. Then he went into the swing, which he has hated since he was about two weeks old, and fell asleep while Emma took a bath. I was ecstatic. I vacuumed at 7:00 p.m. It was glorious. I think I am going to give him gas drops, and stop giving him the acid reflux medication, and see what happens. It was hard to get him to sleep, but I finally did at 11, or somewhere in there, and he slept until 4:30. 4:30!!!! So, six weeks to the day, and he slept longer than he ever has. The chains of sleep deprivation are loosening.
Also...Emma and I were romping around, and I plunked her down on the couch and bent over to quiet Owen. I heard a gasp and looked under my legs from my football stance and watched my darling daughter fall head first onto the floor from the couch. She cried. It was a cry that took a long time to come out. We just watched her as her face got redder and redder, and then the flood gates opened. Not that I blame her. It would have been the same for me. I scooped her up and was holding her and hugging her and telling her that I was really sorry and that she was going to be ok. But she insisted that she needed daddy. She pushed off of me and lunged into his outstretched arms, and there they held on to each other. Slowly she calmed down. One may think that this doesn't fit into my great day, but it does.
I have been dreading that day for months. Every toddler has falls and spills, and she has not had near her fair share. So it came, and she didn't break her neck (which is a real concern of mine) or get a concussion (which could really happen, right?) or shed any blood (which freaks me out every time). She fell, she cried, she got on with life.
Then this morning she said her "ABC's" again, though still with the exception of "l" and "w", and "brushed" her teeth for the first time. She spent a lot of time biting the toothbrush and couldn't really spit, but enjoyed the process of trying.
It is really beginning to feel like life again. I have left my house twice this week with no kids. I went for a jog and didn't worry or feel guilty the entire time. I am caught up with our laundry. The carpet is clean and most of the other odd and end things are done. I feel like I am doing better during the days. I am learning to be a mom to two.
And it feels like life.
Six weeks. I just had to make it to six weeks, and it will be easier. The last six weeks have been challenging at times. They have been wonderful at times, and they have certainly been tiring, all the time. But yesterday was the six weeks of going into labor. True, technically the baby wasn't six weeks old yet, but I'll take it.
Yesterday was a really good day.
Six weeks ago, I took my wedding ring off in the van on the way home from the city. The very next day I went into labor. I didn't remember to move it. It was in a bad place. It got lost.
I lost my wedding ring.
Not ok.
I first noticed on the way home from the hospital. We looked everywhere. I called the hospital twice, my husband called once, and I stopped in once. I gave up, and it stunk. I really thought that somehow it would turn up.
So it was really hard for me. And I have had some time to try to figure out why.
It isn't the monetary value. It's minimal. It wasn't my engagement ring, just the wedding band.
True, it is just a ring and can be easily replaced. But the actual ring was what my husband gave to me on our actual wedding day. That can't be replaced. It isn't necessarily the day that it symbol0ized. The day was great, but let's be honest. If you were Bill Murray (Groundhog's day!) and had to live one day over and over again, would it really be your wedding day? Mine was simple but it was still tiring. So it isn't just the day.
It's the moment when this man, who I love so much, became mine forever. This is the guy that I tried so hard to convince myself would just be a good friend before we started dating, this is the guy who I moved away from, then drove 8 hours to see way too often, and talked to every day for a year. He became more to me, in that moment. We became forever. The ring didn't do that, but it reminds me.
So I was devastated.
Yesterday, at the magic six week mark, my remarkable husband replaced it. I told him that it couldn't be just a shopping day that we picked it up, it needed to be special. And he made it so. Although the first one can't really be replaced, it has been.
And I'm not going to lose it.
Also yesterday, I gave Owen gas drops through the day, and he was so much better in the evening. It was the first time in many weeks that we were both able to be doing things to get ready for supper without holding him. He sat nicely as we all ate. Then he went into the swing, which he has hated since he was about two weeks old, and fell asleep while Emma took a bath. I was ecstatic. I vacuumed at 7:00 p.m. It was glorious. I think I am going to give him gas drops, and stop giving him the acid reflux medication, and see what happens. It was hard to get him to sleep, but I finally did at 11, or somewhere in there, and he slept until 4:30. 4:30!!!! So, six weeks to the day, and he slept longer than he ever has. The chains of sleep deprivation are loosening.
Also...Emma and I were romping around, and I plunked her down on the couch and bent over to quiet Owen. I heard a gasp and looked under my legs from my football stance and watched my darling daughter fall head first onto the floor from the couch. She cried. It was a cry that took a long time to come out. We just watched her as her face got redder and redder, and then the flood gates opened. Not that I blame her. It would have been the same for me. I scooped her up and was holding her and hugging her and telling her that I was really sorry and that she was going to be ok. But she insisted that she needed daddy. She pushed off of me and lunged into his outstretched arms, and there they held on to each other. Slowly she calmed down. One may think that this doesn't fit into my great day, but it does.
I have been dreading that day for months. Every toddler has falls and spills, and she has not had near her fair share. So it came, and she didn't break her neck (which is a real concern of mine) or get a concussion (which could really happen, right?) or shed any blood (which freaks me out every time). She fell, she cried, she got on with life.
Then this morning she said her "ABC's" again, though still with the exception of "l" and "w", and "brushed" her teeth for the first time. She spent a lot of time biting the toothbrush and couldn't really spit, but enjoyed the process of trying.
It is really beginning to feel like life again. I have left my house twice this week with no kids. I went for a jog and didn't worry or feel guilty the entire time. I am caught up with our laundry. The carpet is clean and most of the other odd and end things are done. I feel like I am doing better during the days. I am learning to be a mom to two.
And it feels like life.
10.15.2008
a makeover
i spent too long updating my blog today. it was really fun.
in my defense, i had a fussy baby who had to be tended too, so it isn't as if i could have done much else.
well, maybe a few things ;)
today emma repeated almost the entire alphabet. she got stuck on "l", and kept saying "boo" instead. she also had trouble with "w", but by that time she was getting kind of silly anyway.
so she may not be a prodigy after all. ;)
in my defense, i had a fussy baby who had to be tended too, so it isn't as if i could have done much else.
well, maybe a few things ;)
today emma repeated almost the entire alphabet. she got stuck on "l", and kept saying "boo" instead. she also had trouble with "w", but by that time she was getting kind of silly anyway.
so she may not be a prodigy after all. ;)
10.14.2008
that would look great in your yard
they both love their pizza
if she shares his love of horrible science fiction, particularly from the late 70's era, i am seriously in trouble.
we're all snugglie and tired.
now, i think that the joy of owning, is being able to decorate. i believe these folks believe that is the case as well...
is there a house under there somewhere?
that's all folks
if she shares his love of horrible science fiction, particularly from the late 70's era, i am seriously in trouble.
we're all snugglie and tired.
now, i think that the joy of owning, is being able to decorate. i believe these folks believe that is the case as well...
is there a house under there somewhere?
that's all folks
10.13.2008
this is me
i looked up my strength finder the other day. always fun to share
1. arranger
2. developer
3. optimistic
4. empathy
5. belief
emma is sitting here being good. she got my spoon from my cereal, and i didn't notice. i look over and see her using it, very well, to eat her shredded wheat crumbs from her own bowl. she put all the big chunks into my bowl, ate her crumbs, and is now putting the chunks back into her bowl. i'll share the dramatic conclusion next time.
it is getting colder all the time. i don't know what we will find to do in the winter days. i suspect i will take a few drives to occupy us.
we went out to eat on saturday, and emma had about two breadsticks, two pieces of pizza, and half of a cinna stick. it looked like she hadn't eaten for days. so she was full!
1. arranger
2. developer
3. optimistic
4. empathy
5. belief
emma is sitting here being good. she got my spoon from my cereal, and i didn't notice. i look over and see her using it, very well, to eat her shredded wheat crumbs from her own bowl. she put all the big chunks into my bowl, ate her crumbs, and is now putting the chunks back into her bowl. i'll share the dramatic conclusion next time.
it is getting colder all the time. i don't know what we will find to do in the winter days. i suspect i will take a few drives to occupy us.
we went out to eat on saturday, and emma had about two breadsticks, two pieces of pizza, and half of a cinna stick. it looked like she hadn't eaten for days. so she was full!
10.08.2008
i suppose
it's time to start potty training.
i have no idea what i'm doing.
any suggestions?
i have heard several tips about how to do things, and not to do things, as you progress, but what is the first step?
emma now says "owen" very clearly. she says hi baby owen, and baby owen, and owen. she's a cutie.
i got her a doll stroller and a little carseat, and she likes them both. it is really fun to be able to be a mom to a little girl. it's getting to paint her toenails, and "put" powder on her, it's the girly things. and every little girl wants things for her baby. that was our big adventure on monday, going to walmart in the rain, and getting toys. it was fun.
i really enjoy this job...it's tiring, and hard, and who knew a promotion makes your life busier, rather than cushier. but yes, i love this job. :)
i have no idea what i'm doing.
any suggestions?
i have heard several tips about how to do things, and not to do things, as you progress, but what is the first step?
emma now says "owen" very clearly. she says hi baby owen, and baby owen, and owen. she's a cutie.
i got her a doll stroller and a little carseat, and she likes them both. it is really fun to be able to be a mom to a little girl. it's getting to paint her toenails, and "put" powder on her, it's the girly things. and every little girl wants things for her baby. that was our big adventure on monday, going to walmart in the rain, and getting toys. it was fun.
i really enjoy this job...it's tiring, and hard, and who knew a promotion makes your life busier, rather than cushier. but yes, i love this job. :)
10.03.2008
so i had a baby, and this model walked in and wanted to take a picture with me! i obviously said, "ok, but you can't take the baby with you".
ok, are you sure we don't need any type of licensing to do this?
her first juice box!
she sure was a big help as we moved
she is a breeze to go anywhere with. she just gets her purse, and her baby, and she's ready!
ok, are you sure we don't need any type of licensing to do this?
her first juice box!
she sure was a big help as we moved
she is a breeze to go anywhere with. she just gets her purse, and her baby, and she's ready!
time
oh boy...
it's been a long while since i actually sat and thought, and wrote. these are golden times for me. it's an outlet, and i love it. there are dishes to do, and food to make, and a grocery list that could be started, but sometimes i just need to sit and be by myself, and not feel like i need to be crossing something off this list. because, the list will never, ever, ever, be done :)
there have been many instances in the last weeks that i have thought, "now there's a good topic for my blog", and have been disappointed that i just couldn't get here. i wish i could hook up a line into my head, and just think, and have that be blogging. kind of spooky and futuristic, but efficient and handy too.
yesterday, i was sitting down, and had the baby in the car seat, and emma was more interested in him than in me, or any toys. she had been playing with a few little things, and when i brought the baby in and sat him down, she picked something up and showed him, and said some things, and really wanted to include him. she kind of bent down, and was really happy to be near him. and it really made me gooey inside. i immediately thought of all the times in scripture where a child's heart is referred to. coming to him as little children. there it was, right in front of me. she doesn't have the weight of adult sin, the greed, the selfishness, the lack of forgiveness. she is innocent, a child of such infinite love and sincerity, it is really remarkable to watch. of course she has her imperfections, as all people do (no matter what size), but she is such a sweet little lady. just sweet. and no matter how small her little heart is, it has room for a lot of love. lots.
i saw pictures of us together before i had owen. and it really made me miss her. it's so weird to say that, because i spend every day with her. but it's the times that i knew i would miss that i miss. i miss her and i sitting on the floor, and her leaning against my big belly. i miss us walking, and me being able to get her in and out however many times she wanted. i miss going to the store and it being a big adventure, and letting her see new things, and try new things, and touch new things, and everything being able to happen with no time table, with no interruptions. i miss her, because as strange as it is, she has really changed in the last month. she plays by herself more, she comforts herself more, and is comforted more easily (for the most part). she simply handles herself more and more like a little girl, and less and less like a baby. but i miss my baby. i feel like a bird (a big bird, but we'll get to that later, if at all) who has to push her little bird out of the nest. and even though "our little emma" has shown me that she is ok, and she is happy, and she loves this little baby, and she loves me and her dad and her days. even though she is thriving and learning and growing, i still don't feel like it is time yet. i know she's ok, but it doesn't feel time yet. i guess i might feel like that no matter the age she is, she'll always be in a stage, always changing and growing, constantly leaving behind the things that linked her to her smaller and younger self. she'll be my little emma for a long time.
i am learning too emma, it's hard for me too.
i sit and i cry. this is good therapy, and although it is not free, it is cheap.
i think i remember feeling a lot of the same things with the first birth.
i feel like i am never going to fit into my clothes. i struggle to get anywhere out of our house, it takes at least half an hour from the point of, ok, let's really get ready, to when i can actually step out the door. i am resentful of the oddest things, i am bitter at the oddest things, and i have a hard time thinking that this will ever feel normal, and it will ever feel like life again. added in, of course, is this whole moving business. i wonder if this will ever feel like home, and i tell myself that of course it will. one doesn't live somewhere for years without it becoming home. but right now, it doesn't really feel like home, not truly. it feels like we live here and are settled and are content. we are. but it's not home yet.
i miss my time. i have 24 hours that are suddenly more precious than anything. i have four people so split them with, but must subtract sleeping time. so i don't have a lot to work with here. i miss my husband, and i miss our time. i miss being able to go to the gym (they had child care and cable, don't give me too many points). i miss target. how lame am i? how horrible and materialistic and shallow, how childish and immature and, did i already say lame? lame says so much. how whatever am i, but i miss target.
i miss my quality time with my husband.
i miss time.
the birth of a baby is supposed to be this joyous occasion, and this incredibly happy time. and of course it is. but it is also the loss of other things, some return, others are gone forever. i think it's ok to feel sad, and ok to feel isolated and lonely. i think it's ok to feel like it is hard, because it is. i don't think it's ok to feel like that forever, but for now, i think it's ok.
it's been a long while since i actually sat and thought, and wrote. these are golden times for me. it's an outlet, and i love it. there are dishes to do, and food to make, and a grocery list that could be started, but sometimes i just need to sit and be by myself, and not feel like i need to be crossing something off this list. because, the list will never, ever, ever, be done :)
there have been many instances in the last weeks that i have thought, "now there's a good topic for my blog", and have been disappointed that i just couldn't get here. i wish i could hook up a line into my head, and just think, and have that be blogging. kind of spooky and futuristic, but efficient and handy too.
yesterday, i was sitting down, and had the baby in the car seat, and emma was more interested in him than in me, or any toys. she had been playing with a few little things, and when i brought the baby in and sat him down, she picked something up and showed him, and said some things, and really wanted to include him. she kind of bent down, and was really happy to be near him. and it really made me gooey inside. i immediately thought of all the times in scripture where a child's heart is referred to. coming to him as little children. there it was, right in front of me. she doesn't have the weight of adult sin, the greed, the selfishness, the lack of forgiveness. she is innocent, a child of such infinite love and sincerity, it is really remarkable to watch. of course she has her imperfections, as all people do (no matter what size), but she is such a sweet little lady. just sweet. and no matter how small her little heart is, it has room for a lot of love. lots.
i saw pictures of us together before i had owen. and it really made me miss her. it's so weird to say that, because i spend every day with her. but it's the times that i knew i would miss that i miss. i miss her and i sitting on the floor, and her leaning against my big belly. i miss us walking, and me being able to get her in and out however many times she wanted. i miss going to the store and it being a big adventure, and letting her see new things, and try new things, and touch new things, and everything being able to happen with no time table, with no interruptions. i miss her, because as strange as it is, she has really changed in the last month. she plays by herself more, she comforts herself more, and is comforted more easily (for the most part). she simply handles herself more and more like a little girl, and less and less like a baby. but i miss my baby. i feel like a bird (a big bird, but we'll get to that later, if at all) who has to push her little bird out of the nest. and even though "our little emma" has shown me that she is ok, and she is happy, and she loves this little baby, and she loves me and her dad and her days. even though she is thriving and learning and growing, i still don't feel like it is time yet. i know she's ok, but it doesn't feel time yet. i guess i might feel like that no matter the age she is, she'll always be in a stage, always changing and growing, constantly leaving behind the things that linked her to her smaller and younger self. she'll be my little emma for a long time.
i am learning too emma, it's hard for me too.
i sit and i cry. this is good therapy, and although it is not free, it is cheap.
i think i remember feeling a lot of the same things with the first birth.
i feel like i am never going to fit into my clothes. i struggle to get anywhere out of our house, it takes at least half an hour from the point of, ok, let's really get ready, to when i can actually step out the door. i am resentful of the oddest things, i am bitter at the oddest things, and i have a hard time thinking that this will ever feel normal, and it will ever feel like life again. added in, of course, is this whole moving business. i wonder if this will ever feel like home, and i tell myself that of course it will. one doesn't live somewhere for years without it becoming home. but right now, it doesn't really feel like home, not truly. it feels like we live here and are settled and are content. we are. but it's not home yet.
i miss my time. i have 24 hours that are suddenly more precious than anything. i have four people so split them with, but must subtract sleeping time. so i don't have a lot to work with here. i miss my husband, and i miss our time. i miss being able to go to the gym (they had child care and cable, don't give me too many points). i miss target. how lame am i? how horrible and materialistic and shallow, how childish and immature and, did i already say lame? lame says so much. how whatever am i, but i miss target.
i miss my quality time with my husband.
i miss time.
the birth of a baby is supposed to be this joyous occasion, and this incredibly happy time. and of course it is. but it is also the loss of other things, some return, others are gone forever. i think it's ok to feel sad, and ok to feel isolated and lonely. i think it's ok to feel like it is hard, because it is. i don't think it's ok to feel like that forever, but for now, i think it's ok.
10.02.2008
some snapshots
some fun tummy time. emma loves this baby. she really enjoys when she gets to hug him, and lay by him, and pat him. it's pretty cuteemma also enjoys her bath time, and tolerates her mother making her look weird. this picture will be a classic for years to come :)
the baby. she eats, she sleeps, she is cared for by emma. sometimes she gets slammed into the floor in a bout of excitement, but no serious head injuries have been reported to date.
that's some fun weekend time right there.
9.22.2008
here i am
the moby wrap...it's worth every penny i paid for it. it's a long piece of fabric that you wrap around you, and you can hold your baby several different ways. he likes it, which is also a bonus. this was the first time i used it, on our first walk. ahh...
this was the first outing to the store. i talked with my m.i.l. in the van, and discussed how to proceed from that point. hmm... i'll keep you posted
i knew they had carts designed just for me. but i was not prepared for them. i spied three just inside the door, parked, on the opposite side from all the regular carts. i looked at these things, and noted the size difference, and just sighed.
this is going to be different. this is the stage i am in. no glitz or dresses or dressy clothes, no more running in and out of a store, no driving normal carts. no more adorable child who everyone comments on. now, i drive a tank, and am one of the people who you may try to politely ignore in the store, as i maneuver past you with inches to spare, trying desperately to keep order.
so, as with many moments in my life, especially lately,i paused, and tried to internalize the change.
life happens so gradually, i just have a hard time understanding when i became a mom of two, a lady who wears a lot of lounge clothes. when did anything that gets me out of the house past 7 p.m. become an adventure?
so this is my moment, captured forever. taking it well, don't you think?
but, needless to say, i am very happy. am i tired? oh man. am i overwhelmed, and nervous? :) am i full of ups and downs, and "fragile"? holy cow. yes, i am flooded with emotions, ranging from feelings of accomplishment to grave disappointments, times of incredible patience and times when i am sure that my hair will be in my hand before the clock strikes again.
joy, and frustration.
yet, i'm happy!
9.16.2008
happy times
the simple things in life...this was after my husband and i discussed toys, and the necessity, or lack of, them. so emma played with kitchen stuff for hours. :)
once again, simple pleasures. she has one of the diaper wipe containers and loves it.
snoozing
my loves
yo dog9.11.2008
the great day
the new family
the new babe...this was when he was in the warmer still, less than an hour old
the birthday. stylish hospital attire
cute little hospital gear for him though!
The new big sister! She loves the baby.
Meet our baby!
Last Thursday, I had a baby boy. I went into labor on my own, which was good. I kind of thought I was going into labor, but wasn't quite sure, and the previous day I had thought I was too. So, on Thursday, I went to ShopKo with two of the best people ever. I had a pretty good contraction in the car on the way, and thought that they were probably getting stronger. Then as we wandered in the store, I had a couple more, and one when I was checking out. I really had to focus to keep a straight face. I decided I better sit in the car for the next stop. We were on our way to destination #2 and I had a good one, and the driver read my mind, for she said, "maybe we should drop you off at home." Good idea.
The labor went really fast. I was really surprised by how quickly I progressed, and how strong the contractions were. They never really went away, so it was hard work. I pushed for almost two hours before the doctor said that despite their patience, my hard work, and trying the vacuum, this baby wasn't coming out. So, c-section it was.
It was much different than the first time. They weren't very caring, but I guess it's the health of the baby that is important, rather than the comfort of emotional state of the mom. Nevertheless, it wasn't very pleasant.
I finally got to hold him at about 6:30 a.m. on Friday morning, about 10 hours after checking in, and two hours after the delivery. It was definitely love at first sight. All the worries I had about being able to love him enough, or anxiety about being able to physically care for two children, all of that was replaced by this overwhelming sense of joy, and accomplishment, and love. Meeting for the first time was just an amazing experience.
His name is Owen Nicholas. He was 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. He is a good baby.
Emma really likes the new baby. She pats him very gently and says, "nice". She is concerned when he cries and is eager to look at him, and it will be fun when she can hold him.
So it's been a crazy week. Everyone is adjusting really well. He sleeps well and doesn't cry unless there is something wrong. So, the family is happy and healthy :)
The labor went really fast. I was really surprised by how quickly I progressed, and how strong the contractions were. They never really went away, so it was hard work. I pushed for almost two hours before the doctor said that despite their patience, my hard work, and trying the vacuum, this baby wasn't coming out. So, c-section it was.
It was much different than the first time. They weren't very caring, but I guess it's the health of the baby that is important, rather than the comfort of emotional state of the mom. Nevertheless, it wasn't very pleasant.
I finally got to hold him at about 6:30 a.m. on Friday morning, about 10 hours after checking in, and two hours after the delivery. It was definitely love at first sight. All the worries I had about being able to love him enough, or anxiety about being able to physically care for two children, all of that was replaced by this overwhelming sense of joy, and accomplishment, and love. Meeting for the first time was just an amazing experience.
His name is Owen Nicholas. He was 6lb 8oz and 19 inches long. He is a good baby.
Emma really likes the new baby. She pats him very gently and says, "nice". She is concerned when he cries and is eager to look at him, and it will be fun when she can hold him.
So it's been a crazy week. Everyone is adjusting really well. He sleeps well and doesn't cry unless there is something wrong. So, the family is happy and healthy :)
9.03.2008
one of these days..
today i woke up with something like false labor. it lasted for a couple of hours. it's hard not to feel dumb, because you feel like you were playing hooky or something. so i made my husband stay home, and it was a big deal, and ended up to be nothing.
i'm having such different emotions, so up and down. i am ready, and excited.
i can't imagine being able to have the same relationship with a child that i do with emma. i don't understand how this will work. when she needs me, it's all i want to do, just make her ok. i want to cuddle her and help her and comfort her. when she's happy, we hang out and play, and she discovers things and we get excited together. it's almost like a loss in a sense. i am losing this time, and although it will be just as good, i'm sure (at least in time), it will never be like it is right now. so i spend some time just thinking about that, and just holding her close, and soaking up the moments that it's just like it is. different isn't always bad, many times it is good. but i think it's always hard to think about the future with pure thoughts, not speckled with anxiety or hesitation. i wonder when that changes. does it ever change? will i ever learn, will i ever have enough trust, will i ever be able to just go forward and know, really know, that it will be ok, and that i don't have to have everything perfectly figured out. i wonder.
so, on we go. another day...
i'm having such different emotions, so up and down. i am ready, and excited.
i can't imagine being able to have the same relationship with a child that i do with emma. i don't understand how this will work. when she needs me, it's all i want to do, just make her ok. i want to cuddle her and help her and comfort her. when she's happy, we hang out and play, and she discovers things and we get excited together. it's almost like a loss in a sense. i am losing this time, and although it will be just as good, i'm sure (at least in time), it will never be like it is right now. so i spend some time just thinking about that, and just holding her close, and soaking up the moments that it's just like it is. different isn't always bad, many times it is good. but i think it's always hard to think about the future with pure thoughts, not speckled with anxiety or hesitation. i wonder when that changes. does it ever change? will i ever learn, will i ever have enough trust, will i ever be able to just go forward and know, really know, that it will be ok, and that i don't have to have everything perfectly figured out. i wonder.
so, on we go. another day...
9.01.2008
monday monday
well, no baby. i am four days over now. i am trying to enjoy myself, and remember that a newborn is hard work, so i should relish the time i have now. it's really hard to do though. if i didn't know that i was due four days ago, it wouldn't be so bad. maybe the doctors shouldn't tell you when your due date is. it should just be between them and the chart.
8.29.2008
puppy
Yesterday, while at the store in the cereal isle, Emma points over and exclaims, "puppy!". I said, no no, there's no puppy. Silly girl. But wait...she was pointing at the tiger. You know the one. She was really excited about it. I think that there is a tiger on more than one kind now too. It seems a little early for them to be hooking my baby, but the marketing seems to be beginning it's magic. Oh boy.
I feel kind of crummy this week, just the last few days I guess. I'm trying to visualize my body getting ready for labor, but it isn't always helpful. Last night I had a moment of terror when I realized that if a person needs Midol, then what the heck is this going to be like?????????
Then I fell asleep.
I feel kind of crummy this week, just the last few days I guess. I'm trying to visualize my body getting ready for labor, but it isn't always helpful. Last night I had a moment of terror when I realized that if a person needs Midol, then what the heck is this going to be like?????????
Then I fell asleep.
8.27.2008
party time
This morning I woke up very excited. I found a moms day out program in town, at a church. There are three ladies who watch children for two hours, while you do anything your heart desires. So, Emma and I got up, ate, dressed, and headed downtown.
The actual church building is beautiful. It is an old brick traditional style. We found the room with no problems. I filled out my paperwork and Emma stayed very close to me, looking around at the other children, and strayed a few feet away to grab a few toys, then was reeled back into me. When one of the ladies came and sat down next to us, Emma gave her one of her toys, so I knew it would probably be ok. I hung the diaper bad on a hook, told my dd good-bye, and walked out. I did my normal no-no, hung outside the door for a moment, made sure I didn't hear wailing, and peeked back in to see how it was going. She was fine. Not ecstatic, but fine.
I then headed to the library on foot, just a block away. I was about 20 minutes early, and after trying to figure out if I should go get coffee and just bring it back to the library, or go mail my letter, or how to fill the time, the best idea dawned on me. I just sat down on the bench. I just sat. I watched the cars drive by, I looked at the church across the street. I noticed the houses, I enjoyed to crisp air. I just sat. It has been a long time since I just sat, by myself, somewhere enjoyable. I didn't feel lazy, or that I was being inefficient. I felt like I was enjoying a small town morning, waiting for the library to open.
Which it did.
But they did not have any of the books I was looking for. Courtesy of the best magazine in publication, Real Simple, I had a long list of fiction to try. But after looking for several, I went to the catalogue, which was not working. The artsy librarian informed me that had been the case for two weeks, and showed me where there were new books stacked, so I might try looking through these. After searching for the remaining books on my list, I did what I normally do anyway, just picked two totally random books based on the cover, the back, and one or two sentences from the page that it fell open to. We'll see.
Then, I walked to the coffee shop. I ordered a regular cup of coffee, half decaff, which really confused the worker. I believe it was three times that I assured her that yes, just a regular cup of coffee would be great. I don't know how much of it was actually decaf, but she tried. I sat at one of the quaint little tables that had a wine bottle serving as a vase for a single plastic flower, and read a magazine. I enjoyed a blueberry scone, and enjoyed the mindless joy of flipping through pages.
Meanwhile, Emma was having a ball. When I walked through the nursery doors to retrieve her, she looked at me, sort of acknowledged me, and walked the other way. This is a first. Even times when she has had fun, such as the gym or church nursery, she has always been very excited to see me, and put on a good show about how distraught she had actually been. A dramatic tot, to be sure. Today was an exception. She resumed playing. She picked up a few toys and was very concentrated. I went to her, and asked her if she wanted to go home. She gave my leg a big hug, said mommy, and walked away again. It was a really good feeling, to know that she really did have fun, and she was fine. I don't have to worry :) When we walked out the door to the hallway, she refused my hand, and ran ahead. She was not ready to come to me. She's getting a little independent. After we had picked up my husband for lunch, she thought she didn't need any help climbing the stairs into the kitchen. It wasn't but a moment, she then came back down to earth, and reached for her daddy's hand.
She she proved that she really isn't a baby. She is ready to do new things, explore, meet new people, and act like a big girl. Even though she still needs our hand.
The actual church building is beautiful. It is an old brick traditional style. We found the room with no problems. I filled out my paperwork and Emma stayed very close to me, looking around at the other children, and strayed a few feet away to grab a few toys, then was reeled back into me. When one of the ladies came and sat down next to us, Emma gave her one of her toys, so I knew it would probably be ok. I hung the diaper bad on a hook, told my dd good-bye, and walked out. I did my normal no-no, hung outside the door for a moment, made sure I didn't hear wailing, and peeked back in to see how it was going. She was fine. Not ecstatic, but fine.
I then headed to the library on foot, just a block away. I was about 20 minutes early, and after trying to figure out if I should go get coffee and just bring it back to the library, or go mail my letter, or how to fill the time, the best idea dawned on me. I just sat down on the bench. I just sat. I watched the cars drive by, I looked at the church across the street. I noticed the houses, I enjoyed to crisp air. I just sat. It has been a long time since I just sat, by myself, somewhere enjoyable. I didn't feel lazy, or that I was being inefficient. I felt like I was enjoying a small town morning, waiting for the library to open.
Which it did.
But they did not have any of the books I was looking for. Courtesy of the best magazine in publication, Real Simple, I had a long list of fiction to try. But after looking for several, I went to the catalogue, which was not working. The artsy librarian informed me that had been the case for two weeks, and showed me where there were new books stacked, so I might try looking through these. After searching for the remaining books on my list, I did what I normally do anyway, just picked two totally random books based on the cover, the back, and one or two sentences from the page that it fell open to. We'll see.
Then, I walked to the coffee shop. I ordered a regular cup of coffee, half decaff, which really confused the worker. I believe it was three times that I assured her that yes, just a regular cup of coffee would be great. I don't know how much of it was actually decaf, but she tried. I sat at one of the quaint little tables that had a wine bottle serving as a vase for a single plastic flower, and read a magazine. I enjoyed a blueberry scone, and enjoyed the mindless joy of flipping through pages.
Meanwhile, Emma was having a ball. When I walked through the nursery doors to retrieve her, she looked at me, sort of acknowledged me, and walked the other way. This is a first. Even times when she has had fun, such as the gym or church nursery, she has always been very excited to see me, and put on a good show about how distraught she had actually been. A dramatic tot, to be sure. Today was an exception. She resumed playing. She picked up a few toys and was very concentrated. I went to her, and asked her if she wanted to go home. She gave my leg a big hug, said mommy, and walked away again. It was a really good feeling, to know that she really did have fun, and she was fine. I don't have to worry :) When we walked out the door to the hallway, she refused my hand, and ran ahead. She was not ready to come to me. She's getting a little independent. After we had picked up my husband for lunch, she thought she didn't need any help climbing the stairs into the kitchen. It wasn't but a moment, she then came back down to earth, and reached for her daddy's hand.
She she proved that she really isn't a baby. She is ready to do new things, explore, meet new people, and act like a big girl. Even though she still needs our hand.
8.25.2008
no baby no baby no baby no baby (like no batter)
yesterday at 3 p.m., i said, i am going to go into labor in the next 24 hours. it is now 3:43, so my announcement was obviously wrong. oh well, on we go
emma said "nice" today, while we were walking to go have lunch with my awesome husband. it was nice out, i told her, and she agreed. she says cheese very well now, and pizza. she gets a new word almost every day.
we saw a house that we liked yesterday, but i looked it up today and found that it was listed about 130k above our range. ouch. but we like all kinds of them, including where we are, so we have no complaints.
emma said "nice" today, while we were walking to go have lunch with my awesome husband. it was nice out, i told her, and she agreed. she says cheese very well now, and pizza. she gets a new word almost every day.
we saw a house that we liked yesterday, but i looked it up today and found that it was listed about 130k above our range. ouch. but we like all kinds of them, including where we are, so we have no complaints.
8.23.2008
nothing creative
emma is trying to pose...
yummy something
putting daddy's shoes on
at the arboretum in kansas
the arboretum. it was a really nice day.
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