so tonight is the big packing night. need i say blah? i am worn out today. this morning we went to Deanna Rose, and this afternoon a friend came and hung out. it doesn't take much for these gals to get wiped out. at least one has the excuse that she is only 15 months old.
the upcoming weekend is memorial day. in high school, we were all in band. i played the french horn, and trumpet for marching, jazz, and pep. we were usually let out of school the week before, on wednesday, and we would have to show up on sunday and march. most of us acted like we didn't like it, because school was out, but i think we really did. i did anyway. it was such a gateway into the summer, such a tradition.
my parents would come to the parade, and afterwards our whole family would pack up a lunch and go to a little lake that is seven miles north of the house. we had a canoe that we brought, and soon graduated to a little two man sailboat. the afternoon would be spent relaxing on the water, or in lawn chairs, or playing catch. all of us had played softball (or baseball), and we would be sure to take our gloves along. my grandpa played some mean catch, after all, he was only in his 80's. my siblings and i all had friends who lived on this lake, so sometimes we would sneak off to see them, and sometimes they would come by to say hi.
it's just one of those things that is different now. i don't know exactly what it is, what's changed. i suppose it is all of us, we have all changed. i have been gone for eight years, and in eight years, we have all changed. i miss it though. i want it to be that way. in my mind, i think that if we just went back to the lake again, it could be the same. we could have the relaxing day, the one etched in my mind. it can't be though, and it's kind of sad. you can recreate the situation, but you can't recreate the past.
memories are such a powerful tool, i think. they carry your happiness. they keep alive the things that are aren't really alive anymore. often times, the temptation comes over me to think of those times with sadness, of the disappointment. the disappointment that i didn't know that the last time would be the last time. in the movie, you always know when it is the last time, and they make a big deal about it, like carve a tree or something (ok, i'm being hokey). disappointment that we were all such different people, and we won't ever be those people again. frustration even, that it seems like those things are not being replaced with newer versions, instead they are just sort of being pushed out, slipping away, and we're not putting up a fight. no one is fighting.
but i don't think that is the right way to look at it. i think things will always change, and they might get worse, or they might get better. maybe they are just different, and how are we ever to judge? but the things i have filed away, those should just be allowed to be, not to be disturbed or distorted, or compared. they are then, and then was, then. i must push myself to be able to simply look back and smile, to appreciate how much fun we had. i am getting there. i am training myself to find contentment for what it was, and who we were.
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