10.03.2008

time

oh boy...
it's been a long while since i actually sat and thought, and wrote. these are golden times for me. it's an outlet, and i love it. there are dishes to do, and food to make, and a grocery list that could be started, but sometimes i just need to sit and be by myself, and not feel like i need to be crossing something off this list. because, the list will never, ever, ever, be done :)

there have been many instances in the last weeks that i have thought, "now there's a good topic for my blog", and have been disappointed that i just couldn't get here. i wish i could hook up a line into my head, and just think, and have that be blogging. kind of spooky and futuristic, but efficient and handy too.

yesterday, i was sitting down, and had the baby in the car seat, and emma was more interested in him than in me, or any toys. she had been playing with a few little things, and when i brought the baby in and sat him down, she picked something up and showed him, and said some things, and really wanted to include him. she kind of bent down, and was really happy to be near him. and it really made me gooey inside. i immediately thought of all the times in scripture where a child's heart is referred to. coming to him as little children. there it was, right in front of me. she doesn't have the weight of adult sin, the greed, the selfishness, the lack of forgiveness. she is innocent, a child of such infinite love and sincerity, it is really remarkable to watch. of course she has her imperfections, as all people do (no matter what size), but she is such a sweet little lady. just sweet. and no matter how small her little heart is, it has room for a lot of love. lots.

i saw pictures of us together before i had owen. and it really made me miss her. it's so weird to say that, because i spend every day with her. but it's the times that i knew i would miss that i miss. i miss her and i sitting on the floor, and her leaning against my big belly. i miss us walking, and me being able to get her in and out however many times she wanted. i miss going to the store and it being a big adventure, and letting her see new things, and try new things, and touch new things, and everything being able to happen with no time table, with no interruptions. i miss her, because as strange as it is, she has really changed in the last month. she plays by herself more, she comforts herself more, and is comforted more easily (for the most part). she simply handles herself more and more like a little girl, and less and less like a baby. but i miss my baby. i feel like a bird (a big bird, but we'll get to that later, if at all) who has to push her little bird out of the nest. and even though "our little emma" has shown me that she is ok, and she is happy, and she loves this little baby, and she loves me and her dad and her days. even though she is thriving and learning and growing, i still don't feel like it is time yet. i know she's ok, but it doesn't feel time yet. i guess i might feel like that no matter the age she is, she'll always be in a stage, always changing and growing, constantly leaving behind the things that linked her to her smaller and younger self. she'll be my little emma for a long time.

i am learning too emma, it's hard for me too.

i sit and i cry. this is good therapy, and although it is not free, it is cheap.

i think i remember feeling a lot of the same things with the first birth.

i feel like i am never going to fit into my clothes. i struggle to get anywhere out of our house, it takes at least half an hour from the point of, ok, let's really get ready, to when i can actually step out the door. i am resentful of the oddest things, i am bitter at the oddest things, and i have a hard time thinking that this will ever feel normal, and it will ever feel like life again. added in, of course, is this whole moving business. i wonder if this will ever feel like home, and i tell myself that of course it will. one doesn't live somewhere for years without it becoming home. but right now, it doesn't really feel like home, not truly. it feels like we live here and are settled and are content. we are. but it's not home yet.

i miss my time. i have 24 hours that are suddenly more precious than anything. i have four people so split them with, but must subtract sleeping time. so i don't have a lot to work with here. i miss my husband, and i miss our time. i miss being able to go to the gym (they had child care and cable, don't give me too many points). i miss target. how lame am i? how horrible and materialistic and shallow, how childish and immature and, did i already say lame? lame says so much. how whatever am i, but i miss target.

i miss my quality time with my husband.

i miss time.

the birth of a baby is supposed to be this joyous occasion, and this incredibly happy time. and of course it is. but it is also the loss of other things, some return, others are gone forever. i think it's ok to feel sad, and ok to feel isolated and lonely. i think it's ok to feel like it is hard, because it is. i don't think it's ok to feel like that forever, but for now, i think it's ok.

2 comments:

Janelle said...

Know that we are praying for you in this transition. I sometimes feel guilty about ignoring one or the other of my kiddos, but I realize the best present they ever received was each other. There's nothing better than watching them play together.

Rammells said...

Wow, I'm sitting here bawling like a baby! You always put words to exactly what I'm feeling. Thanks for being able to express what I can't.