today i woke up with something like false labor. it lasted for a couple of hours. it's hard not to feel dumb, because you feel like you were playing hooky or something. so i made my husband stay home, and it was a big deal, and ended up to be nothing.
i'm having such different emotions, so up and down. i am ready, and excited.
i can't imagine being able to have the same relationship with a child that i do with emma. i don't understand how this will work. when she needs me, it's all i want to do, just make her ok. i want to cuddle her and help her and comfort her. when she's happy, we hang out and play, and she discovers things and we get excited together. it's almost like a loss in a sense. i am losing this time, and although it will be just as good, i'm sure (at least in time), it will never be like it is right now. so i spend some time just thinking about that, and just holding her close, and soaking up the moments that it's just like it is. different isn't always bad, many times it is good. but i think it's always hard to think about the future with pure thoughts, not speckled with anxiety or hesitation. i wonder when that changes. does it ever change? will i ever learn, will i ever have enough trust, will i ever be able to just go forward and know, really know, that it will be ok, and that i don't have to have everything perfectly figured out. i wonder.
so, on we go. another day...